Featured

Alice Won

So I got some bad news before I go to sleep. I’m pushing the release date to Alice Won back to December 1st. Things are happening this month that are going to make me move and I want to make sure that I take care of Kenzie before I release this. She really killed it, as you’re about to see. I’m covering my bases and making sure good things happen.

The good news? It’s finished.

Alice Won Cover
Alice is playing Croquet in the Underworld

Alice Won is written by yours truly, and is illustrated by the great Kenzie Carr and it will be coming your way Dec 1st, 2021. I’m proud of this book and I can’t wait for you guys to read it. Stay tuned. The order link is coming up shortly.

Got a magazine article to finish. Also, another cool announcement is due soon. Next blog will be out this week.

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Episode 654: Just Joshing Episode 654: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 2 Just Joshing

#interviews #illustrations #writingcommunity #booktubeIn the conclusion to my drink and draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco, we talk about regret, learning from experiences, taking chances, and draw stuff. I manage to draw skulls. I always enjoy my chats with my sister, and I'm proud of her and who she's become. Listen to this and find out why.SponsorsPD Alleva Golem – Someone's creation can truly be the path of destruction. The devil is the details.PD Alleva's latest release, Golem is live now. Click the link to pick up this excellent horror novel. Jenna Greene and Wiggers the Well Dressed Wombat – check out Jenna Greene's Picture book releasing November 8th and get some great fashion advice from a wombat. Visit her page for more detailsRoadkill Rampage #2 – Evil runs deep in this forest as Tess finds a stray dog and explores the sinister secrets of the men she meets. This kickstarter courtesy of Hazzum Productions starts Oct. 20th. Click on the link to follow.Rae Hope Pantalleresco:Photography InstagramArt InstagramMy Stuff:Books:Alice ZeroThe Cloud DiverSupport And Subscribe:Buy my MerchBuy Me A CoffeeNewsletterPatreonTwitchYoutube
  1. Episode 654: Just Joshing Episode 654: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 2
  2. Episode 653: Just Joshing Episode 653: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 1
  3. Episode 652: Just Joshing Episode 652: Kaki Olsen
  4. Episode 651: Just Joshing Episode 651: Betsy Ross
  5. Episode 650: Just Joshing Episode 650: Christian Tiege
Featured

Alice Zero is NOW

Book Cover, Alice Zero
Her last hope has a cheshire grin.

Not to much new to say. My book Alice Zero – my greek mythology story and Alice in Wonderland mashup is live. You can purchase it here on Amazon.

Quite a few thank yous to mention here. Colleen Anderson, first and foremost. She made me write this, and to my surprise I loved the concept I came up with. Without you I never would have tried writing something like this, let alone, let myself walk through the doors I did with it. So thank you.

Kenzie Carr, you made me better. Much like the majority of the collaborators I choose, I’m lucky to have them and they make me better. Kenzie is one of the most enthusiastic people I’ve had the privilege of collaborating with and I can’t wait to do it again.

Vanessa Farkas-Brahmakshatriya for giving me some great ideas on the greek mythology mashup of this. It gave me thoughts not just for this book but the next one as well.

Miranda Krogstad for that workshop this year. She made me realize there was another character that needed to be in the story. I get better writing when I attend her stuff, and I appreciate it greatly that she helped.

Finally, I want to thank Heather Ans, who this book is dedicated to. If I hadn’t met the girl with the gorgon tattoo in real life, I never would have come up with the Gorgon Knight or the Greek Mythology angle at all.

Fear Infects

If I was to describe the whole world’s state, it would be one of fear. Fear has been the prevailing emotion the last two years. We’ve had a pandemic, and doomsday scenarios replayed over and over and over again and again and again in the media. One’s mortality is never a light subject, and it’s something that I have talked about before. Instead I want to talk about something I don’t talk about very much.

So fair warning. This sounds crazy, and I know it. You don’t have to believe me. That said, when I think the impact a disease had on me, I can think about six months in my life where I didn’t know what was happening in my body.

It started right after Christmas. My knees itched like no tomorrow. Red gashes came out of my knees. In a matter of days, the majority of my skin had this red tinge, and my knees had gone beyond itchy, they started to hurt. I lost the ability to sleep. It would stay that way for months.

My knees would burn when I was in bed. It felt like they were jet engines igniting in the night. The pain I experienced was excruciating. When I woke up I couldn’t bend my knees. I was limping and would limp for a long time.

I was scared to death. What was happening to my body? One second I was just fine and the next this was my life. My skin was red, my knees hurt and I couldn’t sleep. In my knees this black razor like film etched itself on the back of my knees. It sliced into me each time I walked or moved. Pain and I became constant companions each and every day. We got to know each other very well for a long time on a multitude of levels. The most painful thing was the lack of sleep. It hurt, every day being exhausted with no outlet to the exhaustion. It was a weight I carried for days and days. I wanted to cry and express it and let it out and I couldn’t. It just stayed there weighted down.

This control I thought I had just disappeared. Things I took for granted like sleeping and walking normally just was gone overnight. My body was doing things I didn’t understand. I saw black flecks and pieces of what looked like crystal come out of me.

Someone I trusted told me this was some kind of nano poisoning. I trusted the person and it gave me some relief. This wasn’t shingles. I had crystals, wires and other things I never thought possible come out of me. Flecks of black, white, blue and purple would just come to the surface of every bath for the first month.

My rehab for this? I would take a bath in salts and vinegar as hot as I could handle it three hours a day. Once before I worked, and once after. The stuff at the back of my knees would come out. I thought the slicing was painful inside. Coming out would for a second make me scream out agony. Also, I ate no carbs, cut off sugar and didn’t touch the computer unless I was uploading a podcast. Fortunately, I had a lot of interviews in the can. No one saw me like this. My diet was meat and potatoes, and on top of that, I would drink baking soda, citric acid, and water. Fat became a thing. Copper became a thing. Slowly, it worked.

My knees stopped burning first. Although the back of them still cut me every night. The knees was the last thing to heal in full, but the burning stopped first. My skin stayed red but it slowly started to lighten. After about two months of this, I could sleep. I never felt so happy to find that again. One of the biggest pieces of agony in my life faded, and I truly started to heal.

This taught me how to face the fear of fragility. You are fragile. One day you can have it all together and the next, gone. Just like that. Things you take for granted, are gone. Sleeping, walking. I appreciate every thing I can do.

Again, you might think me crazy, but that’s what I experienced. Take it as a fairy tale if you feel like it’s easier to believe. I don’t mind.

You Can’t Control Stuff

So between my experiences with death and this, I haven’t been frozen in this time like others. Life is a risk every moment you wake up outside. I could spontaneously combust. I could get abducted by aliens, run into oncoming traffic, get stabbed, shot, whatever. You really don’t have much say with what is going on in the world.

It’s okay to be scared. I was scared, but I had no choice but to go on. If you got nothing to do but be surrounded by this feeling, it’s easy to overwhelm you. It can be any fear. Fear of death, fragility, anxiety, doubt, despair. Fear can infect absolutely everyone at any moment. By infect, I mean it’s easy to stay in that state of mind. Fear is a fundamental feeling. It keeps us alive, awake and aware in its best moments, and has a lot of positives.

But it can hold you back in a heartbeat. Fear of failure can be as crippling as fear of death. Fear of success and expectations can tempt you to stay exactly where you are. Fear is a normal feeling. Staying in fear can cripple you, and it’s easy to do.

Face Your Fears

The very things that cripple you are the doors out. If you fear expectations, make some for yourself. My drawings for the last year have been an exercise in facing my fears. I was terrified of drawing. No. I was terrified of being awful at drawing. I feared what people would see when they saw my work, and I was afraid of being judged for it.

Then it hit me one day. So what if I was bad? I didn’t have to stay that way. Facing my fears forced me to find different dimensions to it.

humpty dumpty

I’ve come a long way since that drawing. I went through my first sketch book. Pretty proud of that one. My grandmother in Windsor has it. I hope she likes it. I got other things I’ve done and I’ve been rewarded.

Facing my fears propelled me out there. You have to at some point make peace with the things that frighten you. Your fears can be a prison if you let them. If you hear everything and see everything that’s said, it’s a spell for the mind to stay trapped.

The key is overcoming those fears. Once you do that, you end up outside, in a new world filled with possibilities.

Episode 654: Just Joshing Episode 654: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 2 Just Joshing

#interviews #illustrations #writingcommunity #booktubeIn the conclusion to my drink and draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco, we talk about regret, learning from experiences, taking chances, and draw stuff. I manage to draw skulls. I always enjoy my chats with my sister, and I'm proud of her and who she's become. Listen to this and find out why.SponsorsPD Alleva Golem – Someone's creation can truly be the path of destruction. The devil is the details.PD Alleva's latest release, Golem is live now. Click the link to pick up this excellent horror novel. Jenna Greene and Wiggers the Well Dressed Wombat – check out Jenna Greene's Picture book releasing November 8th and get some great fashion advice from a wombat. Visit her page for more detailsRoadkill Rampage #2 – Evil runs deep in this forest as Tess finds a stray dog and explores the sinister secrets of the men she meets. This kickstarter courtesy of Hazzum Productions starts Oct. 20th. Click on the link to follow.Rae Hope Pantalleresco:Photography InstagramArt InstagramMy Stuff:Books:Alice ZeroThe Cloud DiverSupport And Subscribe:Buy my MerchBuy Me A CoffeeNewsletterPatreonTwitchYoutube
  1. Episode 654: Just Joshing Episode 654: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 2
  2. Episode 653: Just Joshing Episode 653: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 1
  3. Episode 652: Just Joshing Episode 652: Kaki Olsen
  4. Episode 651: Just Joshing Episode 651: Betsy Ross
  5. Episode 650: Just Joshing Episode 650: Christian Tiege

Alice Won Sample

Pre-order is coming soon.

But this is world poetry day…so.

Alice Won Cover. Croquet in the underworld.

I

Off with her head!

We’re falling

tumbling down the mountaintop

the asylum in ruin

the world in storm

this place is no more

the months, and years rolled by

no memory, no past

no future

just me and my jailors

but then I remembered

I knew the truth now

I knew who I am

(Alice…)

and all the years I lost came back to me

and there she was just ahead of me

stumbling and fumbling ahead,

looking at the storm behind her and seeing me

I thunder after her, vorpal blade in hand

ready to behead her at the speed of lightning

(Quickly! She must not get too far ahead!)

I know that cat! Stay in my head

his(?) grin always was there in my mind

sometimes I sensed anger

other times, amusement

this was all a game

with rules I did not understand

(See rule 42) came into my head with maddening laughter

that grin was unbalanced

just like me

my anger paints my world in a scarlet hue

every moment a beat of a drum

pain shooting through every moment

anger my only shield

wrath my only deliverance

she had hurt me for so long…

the queen ran, and ran and ran

I was right behind her

I stumbled, I tripped

but I kept on moving forward

always focus on the things you want, a voice I didn’t quite know answered me

but was familiar with came

I snapped back to my wrath

focus on the target

she was my focus

(she’s going to the place.)

place?

(there’s the labyrinth)

you know about this place?

(…)

Nothing.

Just that stupid grin

I pout

typical

I hate it when he does that

I see the same sea of doors I saw in that place

a million open worlds and doors coming to the sea at the edge of the world

I picked up my pace

she was going to throw herself over the edge of the world

I couldn’t lose her

because…

I knew I’d have to find her again

in a sea of worlds and possibilities

only fate would make us come together again

she would be lost to me

(hurry)

I breathe

the scarlet deepens

and I roar

gaining ground with each vaulting leap

the queen looks back and shrieks

I hear that same plead for help I heard back in my jail

she roared to the heavens for something

anything

to bail her out of her fate

(she’s cheating)

cheating?

(I have no time to explain right now. Get her now!)

the desperation of the voice in my head

dimmed my crimson into a sea of black and white

the queen seized her opportunity

she leaped into the abyss

and splashed into a pool of shadow

leaving me behind

she got away…again

I find myself at the edge of the world

do I follow her?

(you won’t end up in the same place. She has purpose to where she’s going.)

So do I!

(you have pain, not purpose. Pain and anger is not enough. You need purpose.)

What kind of purpose.

(you know what you’re supposed to do)

supposed to do? What kind of…

silence.

The grin was back.

Fuck you

I jump in after the queen

heedless of the warning

I didn’t care if I found her or not

I just needed to go forward

II

I gasp as the water crashes down

the chill shudders me awake

my eyes open and I gasp

I’m alive

(You just had to do it didn’t you?)

Shut up you…

where are we?

And why is the ground swaying?

I stand up and stumble

I fall and hit my bump into the soft wood

the water splashes

obsidian liquid splashes onto the decks

no flags were on the mast

no one greeted me on the deck

the noise of the waves the only sounds

we were adrift on the sea

I stand up and stagger around on the ship

wincing at the sound of the wood screeching under my feet

I move cautiously, praying that the ship stood on my weight

how did I get here?

(I warned you)

shut up cat!

Tell me something useful

what do I do here?

(just wait. This will get you there.)

There?

(you’ll see.)

what do you mean?

silence

that stupid grin

I’m tired of this shit

I just want some clear answers

the waves crash and I stumble

I crash into the side of the ship

a piece of the side falls to the sea

and disappears into the black

something told me it’d be bad to fall in

(in there, we both disappear, for that place is truly the end.)

the end? As in death?

(worse. Non existence. We would simply cease.)

cease?

(unmade)

I shudder at that

I liked that I was me

and to go in and disappear…

who’d want that sort of thing?

Why would anyone want to fade away?

Inside me the grin falters

and for a moment I felt my friend sink so low

the tail was drooped

and the eyes filled with tears

I was at a loss for words

Are you okay cat?

I got no answer but another grin

but this time, I wasn’t mad

I realized that I didn’t know my friend in there

how had they suffered?

I scanned the side of the ship, new hole included

looking out, careful not to fall in

I see the name on the side of the ship

the ink was faded

the name stuck far into the past like the rest of it

The Argo

I look down and see my doom and scurry back into the ship

my heart comes back in my throat

I’m alive

still alive

good

I see it out of the corner of my eye

a golden trident

stabbed into the heart of the ship

black liquid pussing out of the ship

a beating heart slowing

and beside it

a turtle weeps

Episode 654: Just Joshing Episode 654: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 2 Just Joshing

#interviews #illustrations #writingcommunity #booktubeIn the conclusion to my drink and draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco, we talk about regret, learning from experiences, taking chances, and draw stuff. I manage to draw skulls. I always enjoy my chats with my sister, and I'm proud of her and who she's become. Listen to this and find out why.SponsorsPD Alleva Golem – Someone's creation can truly be the path of destruction. The devil is the details.PD Alleva's latest release, Golem is live now. Click the link to pick up this excellent horror novel. Jenna Greene and Wiggers the Well Dressed Wombat – check out Jenna Greene's Picture book releasing November 8th and get some great fashion advice from a wombat. Visit her page for more detailsRoadkill Rampage #2 – Evil runs deep in this forest as Tess finds a stray dog and explores the sinister secrets of the men she meets. This kickstarter courtesy of Hazzum Productions starts Oct. 20th. Click on the link to follow.Rae Hope Pantalleresco:Photography InstagramArt InstagramMy Stuff:Books:Alice ZeroThe Cloud DiverSupport And Subscribe:Buy my MerchBuy Me A CoffeeNewsletterPatreonTwitchYoutube
  1. Episode 654: Just Joshing Episode 654: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 2
  2. Episode 653: Just Joshing Episode 653: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 1
  3. Episode 652: Just Joshing Episode 652: Kaki Olsen
  4. Episode 651: Just Joshing Episode 651: Betsy Ross
  5. Episode 650: Just Joshing Episode 650: Christian Tiege

Price Point Matters

So one of the big questions freelancers must ask themselves is what exactly are our services worth? The answer is whatever you can get. Now the whole figuring out exactly what you are worth aspect is an article in of itself, but what I’m more interested in doing today is the cautionary tale of what to charge. Finding the sweet spot is a bit of trial and error. This post is about why we shouldn’t aim low on our price point.

What may shock a person reading this is that the reason for a higher price point is not because of trying to make as much money as possible…mostly. In truth, your price point is more about protecting you than it is about the living you make. Nothing should make a writer scarier than a minimum wage job.

We Do Not Respect Those Who Serve

fast food counter
An honest job few respect

If you’ve ever had a fast food job, you know how difficult that job really is. You have to be quick, customers are demanding, middle management even more so. It’s a constant grind. Then it’s over. Those people who handle the food and serve thousands are paid pennies.

Do you respect them?

If the answer is no, it’s because of only one thing. The pay check. Before I continue, I would like to say, you definitely should. They work hard. A job is a job after all.

The pay check in this world is about respect. It’s not the purchasing power, rather it’s what you have access to as a result of what you do. When you freelance, it too is about respect. People that pay you very little, respects little. People that pay the world, have much higher respect for the people they pay for.

The difference? Respect and Understanding. I had a client that wanted me to work on advertising their Kickstarter. I agreed, because it seemed like a heck of a challenge. I had ideas, and all I was waiting for was the full list of active creatives on the project, and a date when the Kickstarter was going to be launched. I never got anything concrete with either of those things, which made my job impossible to do. Kickstarter campaigns work best when there are weeks of advertisement mentioned. Without key information, I couldn’t advertise the Kickstarter as much as I wanted to, and I couldn’t help build a stretch goal outline I wanted because I didn’t have a complete list of people involved.

After I fired that individual (I was unable to do my job, so why keep it?) I asked myself why did the job go south. I certainly wasn’t completely innocent. But from the things that weren’t in my control, it boiled down to price point. It was too low. My client did not respect my time, and my energy the way it needed to be in order for me to do the job the way I needed to. I didn’t have a have enough price to make my client take this seriously.

It’s because of this client that I will not under any circumstances do anything for a percentage. Unless the principals involved have a very impressive track record of being very large dividends at the end of the job, you should not take it under most other circumstances. A good lesson.

Price point equals respect. Remember the minimum wage job and how you treat that worker at the restaurant, because that’s how you will be treated too.

No Resentment

If I was to paint a reason why people resented their jobs, it’s because people feel underpaid and undervalued. Unless you throw so much time into some of these jobs that you cannot enjoy life, they tend to suck you dry. I mention fast food, but I could indict the whole labor force. Almost to a man and woman people are not being paid what they are worth.

In fact, we damned ourselves even further. We made our minimum wage jobs essential in this time. Instead of a permanently increased wage scale, instead we praise them like heroes. Talk about even further devaluing our workforce. We now expect them to work for the same money during a pandemic as we did when there wasn’t. Teachers in particular I feel for in this time. Based on how I described above, do you feel in the long run any of these jobs will be respected?

As a culture, Western civilization does not know how to treat heroes. Look at policemen. They were heroes at 9/11. Look at veterans. Many people that serve are not rewarded like they should. It’s one of the greatest injustices of the world.

I’ll be damned if I let that happen with my creative endeavors. I got out of the workforce because it was unbearable. I have no desire to go back and deal with these kinds of environments. I’m worth more than that and I love what I do.

Why would I risk that love becoming resentment by settling? Fuck that. If I know the person I’m dealing with doesn’t appreciate me, I’m charging more. I’m not going to resent any job I do. Ever.

Believe in Yourself

The one consequence to being a freelancer is that now there are some things I will not do for free at all anymore, or at the very least not as often. Many people I know come to me for podcast advice. I have no problem giving a little bit, but now I measure my time. If someone really wants to pick my brain on how that works, they can pay for it.

I have to believe that my expertise is worth something. I have to believe that I’m going to do well at this. I have to believe I’m worth it. That might be the hardest thing about being a freelancer. The biggest mental battle we have as people is recognizing our own worth. We have to protect it, and ourselves.

The best way to do it is faith. You have to believe in yourself and be willing to fight for it. Sometimes that means walking away. Sometimes it’s going to hurt in the moment. But this is a battle to turn what you love into something to make a living. You have to be willing to take a stand. If you do, you can find the money out there. It really is real.

Is there a time to do something for free? Yes. Maybe the first job. If you want to establish some credibility and credentials, go do that. After, you never do it for free again. Instead, figure out what it will cost for you to respect yourself, and not resent doing the job yourself.

Thanks for reading. If you have a second, check out the premier of Season 2 of Suzy Vadori’s inspired writing. Give her a like and subscribe while you’re there. Suzy gives great advice on the craft of writing. Check out her work below.

I produced this bad boy. It rocks!

If you like that, and want me to do more, check out my Podcast Services page.

Next week, a cool cover. Until then, remember, you’re worth it. Go out there and get it.

Episode 654: Just Joshing Episode 654: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 2 Just Joshing

#interviews #illustrations #writingcommunity #booktubeIn the conclusion to my drink and draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco, we talk about regret, learning from experiences, taking chances, and draw stuff. I manage to draw skulls. I always enjoy my chats with my sister, and I'm proud of her and who she's become. Listen to this and find out why.SponsorsPD Alleva Golem – Someone's creation can truly be the path of destruction. The devil is the details.PD Alleva's latest release, Golem is live now. Click the link to pick up this excellent horror novel. Jenna Greene and Wiggers the Well Dressed Wombat – check out Jenna Greene's Picture book releasing November 8th and get some great fashion advice from a wombat. Visit her page for more detailsRoadkill Rampage #2 – Evil runs deep in this forest as Tess finds a stray dog and explores the sinister secrets of the men she meets. This kickstarter courtesy of Hazzum Productions starts Oct. 20th. Click on the link to follow.Rae Hope Pantalleresco:Photography InstagramArt InstagramMy Stuff:Books:Alice ZeroThe Cloud DiverSupport And Subscribe:Buy my MerchBuy Me A CoffeeNewsletterPatreonTwitchYoutube
  1. Episode 654: Just Joshing Episode 654: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 2
  2. Episode 653: Just Joshing Episode 653: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 1
  3. Episode 652: Just Joshing Episode 652: Kaki Olsen
  4. Episode 651: Just Joshing Episode 651: Betsy Ross
  5. Episode 650: Just Joshing Episode 650: Christian Tiege

The Dream

My Unexpected Week

I didn’t expect to be back freelancing at this time. I was intending to save money while working a day job to get ready for what is next. And then, right before I began I was laid off.

So, I went back to freelancing. This week was like a culmination of me wondering what was next. So I figured I’d write as I had a week to kill. Right off the bat, I got a writing gig with a magazine. That article comes out next week. Then, I get a podcast gig from someone I enjoy working with very much. I start working on that this weekend. Then, my pitch at Writer’s Weekly got accepted, so I wrote that. Suddenly I had a living wage freelancing.

I’ve never done that before. Something a lot of writers tend to talk about is that there is no money in writing. That’s not exactly true. The decision that needs to be made is what direction you are going into and what you are writing. More on that below.

Finally, the podcast is doing well on Twitch. I’m approaching my first one hundred followers on Twitch and very close to the affiliate status. I tend to stream monday through friday at 7pm EST here. Join me and watch the interviews. Did two interviews this week I was especially proud of. You can watch past episodes on my Youtube, or listen to them on the player below or any app you choose.

That’s a pretty amazing week. Not to mention that I got my cover for Alice Won? From Kenzie Carr. (Wow. Next week. I promise.) Then this week, I got another phone call Thursday that the lay off is going to last another few weeks. I thought about it. Why look anywhere else? This is what I want to do. Which leads to a question, why did I stop to begin with?

Poverty is Trauma

Pirate Zombie
You never forget your brush with death

There will always be a part of me in Snowflake and Show Low Arizona. There I met a piece of my end, and no matter how far I come there’s a piece of me back there. I don’t fear much, but one of the things I still fear is poverty. I never want to be back in that place. I never want to wonder where that next meal is coming in and I never ever will grow hungry again.

If you’ve never experienced this, this feeling is so visceral, so primal, it unlocks something savage and ruthless inside you. If you have, nothing more needs to be said. If you haven’t, there is nothing I can say to give you that feeling.

But it never leaves you. There’s a little fear, because you know how close you stand to the edge when you’re in that state. The best and worst things can come out of you in that moment.

But you never forget.

I need to forget.

That fear is what brought me back to the day job. It’s not completely irrational. That desire to not lose pushes you, but you can’t be afraid to get back in that position. No matter what, it will not be as bad as the first time. I’ve been there before. I can survive anything.

I Believe In Me

More importantly, I have to believe I won’t go back. I have to believe that I will get better and do more spectacular things. And I already have. Next week you’ll see my first freelance article.

Unlike last time, I know what I’m going to do. Freelancing is about focus. My dad if he read this would know exactly what I’m saying there. So that leaves the question, what do I offer?

Podcasting – Whether you want me to produce, post, make content or consult with building a show, I’m your guy.

Writing – I write articles and do so all over the web. I specialize in interviews, reviews, and profiles of people. You can see where I’ve gone, and where I’m going.

Comics – I edit comic books as well. If you need proofreading, story consultation, I’m your guy. You can hire me.

Any way you look at it I’m ready to go and I know what I offer. The question is who? You. If you want a feature piece on a person or company. You, if you want to create a podcast. Or you, if you want to create the best comic possible. I’m your guy.

The Dream

It may take a while but I will fly.

I’m not expecting the week I had this week, but I’ve already picked up more work, and I will be hunting for more. I’m crafting pitches and building up to what I need to. I have two books I want to release before the year is up and dang it I’m doing it. Hell or high water.

By this time next year I’m on the road, interviewing incredible people about their stories. I’m releasing great books and I’m traveling the world. I’m walking my path and chasing my dreams, because I believe in me.

I think I’m truly ready. Let’s do this.

Episode 654: Just Joshing Episode 654: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 2 Just Joshing

#interviews #illustrations #writingcommunity #booktubeIn the conclusion to my drink and draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco, we talk about regret, learning from experiences, taking chances, and draw stuff. I manage to draw skulls. I always enjoy my chats with my sister, and I'm proud of her and who she's become. Listen to this and find out why.SponsorsPD Alleva Golem – Someone's creation can truly be the path of destruction. The devil is the details.PD Alleva's latest release, Golem is live now. Click the link to pick up this excellent horror novel. Jenna Greene and Wiggers the Well Dressed Wombat – check out Jenna Greene's Picture book releasing November 8th and get some great fashion advice from a wombat. Visit her page for more detailsRoadkill Rampage #2 – Evil runs deep in this forest as Tess finds a stray dog and explores the sinister secrets of the men she meets. This kickstarter courtesy of Hazzum Productions starts Oct. 20th. Click on the link to follow.Rae Hope Pantalleresco:Photography InstagramArt InstagramMy Stuff:Books:Alice ZeroThe Cloud DiverSupport And Subscribe:Buy my MerchBuy Me A CoffeeNewsletterPatreonTwitchYoutube
  1. Episode 654: Just Joshing Episode 654: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 2
  2. Episode 653: Just Joshing Episode 653: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 1
  3. Episode 652: Just Joshing Episode 652: Kaki Olsen
  4. Episode 651: Just Joshing Episode 651: Betsy Ross
  5. Episode 650: Just Joshing Episode 650: Christian Tiege

How My Apocalypse Prepared Me For This Time

(Originally Published on Coffee over Suicide Blog)

So, we’re here. How we got here for the moment doesn’t really matter. What’s important is that there’s a pandemic, and we’re all being forced to stay away from each other for the time being. For all of us, this is almost apocalyptic. It’s change on a large scale for sure.

I faced my own personal apocalypse twelve years ago. It’s nowhere near the same scope of this, but I have been to the bottom of the barrel. I have seen the shadow of death. While there are a lot of uncertainties going forward, there are some things I know we’re all going to learn, and there are some things I know will help.

The World is Bigger Than You

There is a grieving process going on. Everyone is in their five stages of grief in some form or another. The five stages being denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance. I came to acceptance really quick. The world has changed and is changing, and I’m along for the ride. It’s easy for me to surrender to this wave of change. The reason why it’s so easy is because I’ve done it before.

I lost everything over the course of a year. I had an opportunity that did not go very well. My anger and refusal to ask for help on things led me to go down a very dark path. There was a point in this path that I lost everything. I lost my job. I couldn’t qualify for welfare under my circumstances, and I had to figure out how to pay for rent. Food was running out. And it forced me to do a lot of things that were hard to survive. But through all that I was grieving over what I lost.

Until I hit rock bottom. I acknowledge what I’m writing about next may only be in my head. This was my experience and so take this tale as simply that.

So one day I was walking to my trailer in Show Low Arizona when I looked out into the distance, and I saw a shadow. It was in the distance, but it wasn’t that far in the distance. It was at the edge of the corner of my eye, but I knew that this was coming for me. And if I let it catch me, I wasn’t going to be here anymore.

This was death. Or rather, it’s shadow. Like I said, this may all be in my head, but at that moment I understood something very profound. One day I was going to die. Maybe that day. The fact that I’m writing here says I came through, but there was a great epiphany.

I had to learn that the world was much bigger than I was, and that one day I was going to die. Life is fragile, and everyone today is much more aware of that right now than ever. This virus is bigger than anything everyone has ever known. Governments, businesses, our very way of life is changing. Part of this process right now is coming to grips with those two truths.

The world is bigger than we are. That’s a good thing, but it’s a very uncomfortable truth. Our goals, our dreams, they can change on a whim. Much like how we can’t stop the rain, we can’t stop this either. Coming to grips with this does make grieving for what’s going on easier.

Fear, Anger, and Surrender

This is the hardest phase(s), and where most of us are at right now. If this takes a while, I get it. I went through this twelve years ago.

There are billions of different interpretations of what is going on right now. If you are in the denial stage, you are probably going to do one of two things. You either are going to panic about what’s going on, or you’re going to be angry about it.

If you’re afraid, it’s perfectly natural to be scared. Everything is just stopping. There is nothing normal about the world right now. There is a lot of shock and fear about how things are going to go and last going forward. Anxiety, pain, and maybe even a little guilt might be in the psyche. Let yourself feel those things. It’s okay to be worried or anxious.

I’ll confess that my biggest fear in this crisis is that I couldn’t go home to see my family. Walking away from my job to go from Vancouver to Windsor made me nervous, because everyday I was wondering how long I had before lockdown. I made it home fortunately, so my anxieties were eased.

I understand how people in that are working right now feel as a result, as I had to take a bus and two trains to go to work each day. The potential of catching something from someone amplifies these fears.

Perhaps the most important thing right now for those that are working is that you need a moment to acknowledge the risk to yourself. My travel combined with my work environment increased the likelihood I’d catch something. I accepted that everyday I went out the door. It was my risk to take and I owned it. If you’re out there right now, you have to do the same. Accept the possibility and do what you have to. That’s super hard, and I get it. But if you are out there, there is no other healthy choice. Accept what is, and move on.

To everyone else, don’t let those worries and fears rule you. If you are anxious, afraid, and feeling overwhelmed, disconnect from news, social media and let yourself cope. You need to unwind from this crazy. We all do. When you can adjust for it, don’t worry, there are plenty of things to read about this from the newspapers every day. They’ll be there when you come back.

The worst parts of ourselves come out when we’re scared. We hoard toilet paper, we are cruel to the people who have to be out there, we lash out, and so many other things. Again, it’s okay to be afraid. Acknowledge your fears, but we can’t become inhumane and unkind. What’s important to remember right now is that you’re not alone and that we’re all in this together.

If you’re angry right now, I sympathize. I was angry when I realized I was going to lose everything, and that there wasn’t anything I could do about it. Things I was counting on weren’t going to be there any longer. If you’re a small business, you have no idea what’s going to happen to you. Rents and mortgages aren’t being frozen in North America. I really feel for restaurants, bars and places that use their dining halls. In Vancouver, I remember going by this Jugo Juice. A father and two daughters are running this franchise, and rents are unforgiving. I would be surprised if that ever reopens.

I understand that anger, but it’s really good to let go. I would have been so much farther ahead in Arizona if I hadn’t been so angry. I was so determined to try and do things on my own, I missed so many opportunities to connect and possibly turn my situation into something else. Or even leaving altogether when I should. I probably would have more real teeth in my mouth right now if I had let go of my anger. I didn’t.

Things only changed when I realized the situation I was in. And that didn’t even happen then. It happened when I got a package from my sister. I couldn’t even get the energy to go get a job interview with Safeway in Show Low Arizona. I just was done. I was broken and burned out on my anger with this whole mess my life became. And then, I got pictures from my sister. Pictures I hadn’t seen in twenty years. They were me and her, and my mom and dad when they married, and it was so wondrous to see.

Was I so tiny? And I laughed because I remembered some things. I remembered what mattered most to me. Once I did that, I did the only thing I could. I accepted what happened to me and surrendered to what came next. I gave up the illusion of my control. Once I did that, my eyes opened to other possibilities.

Adapt

The one advantage of uncertainty is that it creates possibilities. We all have skills, talents, and while they may not seem to be significant with the changes, there are ways to apply them. Let’s say you were a singer that depended on the stage for your income. Right this minute, going on stage in front of a live audience is impossible.

What about a digital one though? The one thing that everyone wants right now is content. A concert that’s put together even halfway professionally with some genuine spunk could help spread your name right now, maybe push some merchandise sales. Maybe you could approach a company for sponsorship for your next project.

Kickstarter and Patreon do still exist. Someone with a novel or comic, or a video game project might shift their revenue to here. Small businesses should move into digital realms a little more. Maybe there’s something new that is going to blindside us all. There are opportunities even now when all seems uncertain coming to the horizon. The smart individual is looking to create those things. The fruit of the work you’re doing right now may not manifest immediately, but the one advantage we all have right now is time.

We can all seek to do something different. We can become someone different. This is a pause that we can take advantage of in a myriad of ways. We can learn something new. Me? I’m starting to draw stuff. I’m taking pictures of things and I’m trying to copy, one thing at a time. Right now, I’m drawing ice cream cones. My end goal? I’ve always wanted to do comic books. I’ve written my fair share of comic scripts in my time. Some of them are pretty good, but the process of hiring and finding people to work on your passion products is quite difficult.

So now I can learn to draw, and release that content someday in some form. I can adapt, because I have the time to do so.

The Little Things Matter

So from the pictures in my last apocalypse, I realized what was important for me. Everyone has to find their own answer for that one. My advice? Chase your happiness.

We can’t go outside and hang out, and hug and greet each other. But we can learn new things, we can appreciate the little moments. Not much in life truly matters. This was the biggest lesson learned when I left stuff behind. I had to let go of everything I had when I left Arizona. Once I accepted that I had to, it was easy. I knew what mattered.

Even now, you can chase joy. Joy in this time is the true path to rebellion. This is a pause. Find that thing that makes you happy and go with it. We can still connect to each other. We can choose to make the best of it. That’s what I’m doing. I take this one day at a time. I don’t worry about when this will end, because I can’t control it. One way or the other I will be taken care of. The important thing is to while I am in this, to keep going and living as best I can. I’m grateful for what I have, and am ready for whatever is next.

Episode 654: Just Joshing Episode 654: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 2 Just Joshing

#interviews #illustrations #writingcommunity #booktubeIn the conclusion to my drink and draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco, we talk about regret, learning from experiences, taking chances, and draw stuff. I manage to draw skulls. I always enjoy my chats with my sister, and I'm proud of her and who she's become. Listen to this and find out why.SponsorsPD Alleva Golem – Someone's creation can truly be the path of destruction. The devil is the details.PD Alleva's latest release, Golem is live now. Click the link to pick up this excellent horror novel. Jenna Greene and Wiggers the Well Dressed Wombat – check out Jenna Greene's Picture book releasing November 8th and get some great fashion advice from a wombat. Visit her page for more detailsRoadkill Rampage #2 – Evil runs deep in this forest as Tess finds a stray dog and explores the sinister secrets of the men she meets. This kickstarter courtesy of Hazzum Productions starts Oct. 20th. Click on the link to follow.Rae Hope Pantalleresco:Photography InstagramArt InstagramMy Stuff:Books:Alice ZeroThe Cloud DiverSupport And Subscribe:Buy my MerchBuy Me A CoffeeNewsletterPatreonTwitchYoutube
  1. Episode 654: Just Joshing Episode 654: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 2
  2. Episode 653: Just Joshing Episode 653: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 1
  3. Episode 652: Just Joshing Episode 652: Kaki Olsen
  4. Episode 651: Just Joshing Episode 651: Betsy Ross
  5. Episode 650: Just Joshing Episode 650: Christian Tiege

Announcing Alice Won?

So it’s official. Alice Zero is nominated for an Elgin Award in the Chapbook Category. Really stoked to see that my writing got noticed. It’s not that I’m not proud of my podcast. I am. But I started doing this to write. And this was a really cool thing to see my poetry respected. I wanted to give a shout out to Colleen Anderson for being an amazing person to have in your corner. She’s awesome.

Click the Alice Zero link if you want to know more.

It’s completely a surprise to get an email finding out your nominated. The first thing I did was let Kenzie know. She did draw the book after all. And the second thing I did was ask her to come back. I mean, I do have a lot more story to tell and I can’t think of anyone better to draw it than her.

So with that squared away. I waited. And waited. And waited.

But with the announcement out, I better crank out a sequel. And that’s what I’m doing. I’m doing the first full length version of my alice. And what better way to start than a game of croquet against Jason of the Argonauts? And Alice wins of course…right?

In truth, Alice in Wonderland is a powerful story. I noticed very early on that the connection between Alice and Pandora is a very strong run. They are both rooted in the same story. Curiosity, bravery and discovery are the heart of Alice in Wonderland and I wanted to bring that together with the sequel.

And that’s what I’ve been doing.

I can talk and talk and talk about this book. Really excited, especially where Alice is now. But the real questions is, When will you see it?

November 1st, 2021. Pre order will be up August 1st, 2021. I’m going to be trying some things out with the book and hopefully you guys will come on board.

Ultimately, I feel a certain sense of validation. People know me more as a podcaster rather than a writer, but it’s nice to know that the work I’ve done has been appreciated. I want to think the Science Fiction and Fantasy Poetry Association for the love.

More to come.

But for now…Joshua Pantalleresco. Award winning podcaster. Award nominated poet. Pretty cool.

Episode 654: Just Joshing Episode 654: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 2 Just Joshing

#interviews #illustrations #writingcommunity #booktubeIn the conclusion to my drink and draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco, we talk about regret, learning from experiences, taking chances, and draw stuff. I manage to draw skulls. I always enjoy my chats with my sister, and I'm proud of her and who she's become. Listen to this and find out why.SponsorsPD Alleva Golem – Someone's creation can truly be the path of destruction. The devil is the details.PD Alleva's latest release, Golem is live now. Click the link to pick up this excellent horror novel. Jenna Greene and Wiggers the Well Dressed Wombat – check out Jenna Greene's Picture book releasing November 8th and get some great fashion advice from a wombat. Visit her page for more detailsRoadkill Rampage #2 – Evil runs deep in this forest as Tess finds a stray dog and explores the sinister secrets of the men she meets. This kickstarter courtesy of Hazzum Productions starts Oct. 20th. Click on the link to follow.Rae Hope Pantalleresco:Photography InstagramArt InstagramMy Stuff:Books:Alice ZeroThe Cloud DiverSupport And Subscribe:Buy my MerchBuy Me A CoffeeNewsletterPatreonTwitchYoutube
  1. Episode 654: Just Joshing Episode 654: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 2
  2. Episode 653: Just Joshing Episode 653: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 1
  3. Episode 652: Just Joshing Episode 652: Kaki Olsen
  4. Episode 651: Just Joshing Episode 651: Betsy Ross
  5. Episode 650: Just Joshing Episode 650: Christian Tiege

One Minute of Kindness

We’ve been cruel to each other for a long time now.

It’s easy to understand why. We’re scared. I mean, say what you will about the right thing, the wrong thing in the last year. Masks, no masks, vaccines, no vaccines…I mean, we can talk about that, but if we’re honest with ourselves, that stuff is a distraction. Easier to point the finger at each other and say that we’re in this position and it’s your fault, then maybe look at the world and realize that by and large, this whole situation was beyond our control.

A world in which bad things happen to good people for no good reason is a harder world than the one where there are good guys and bad guys. It’s frightening when you see things happening and have no control over the outcome. Do I think we’d be outside more if people behaved correctly? Not convinced. Do I think we’d be out of this mess if we stood up to our government and said it was okay to buy underwear right now? Probably not.

Not sure anything we would have done last year would have made a wit of difference. That’s a far more frightening world than blaming people for being anti maskers, or calling people sheeple. While there are things that bother me at this time, (my government, I look at you.) I really can’t look at other people and claim to know their situation and circumstances. At the end of the day, who am I to judge?

Even the government. This couldn’t be easy on any level.

No hugs. No visitations. Essential being a curse word, even more terrifying we made our workers heroes. We do not do heroes well or right by them, well meaning we may be.

In short, this has been a very cruel year and three months. I keep looking at ways I can make a difference. So I looked at my phone, and decided to send one minute of kindness to each person.

For up to a minute I would begin with “I appreciate you…” and say why I appreciate you. Friends, people I admire, respect, even people I don’t like. A kind word is so easy to do. You just have to look at your neighbour and just find one nice thing to say. You don’t have to of course, but kindness is rarer than toilet paper was at the beginning at this.

One minute.

Internet Hugs for all
hugs for all

I appreciate you.

What an experience. People responded. Sometimes with texts. My personal favorites were the people that recorded their own messages. Some of them were holding back tears. It made me think we desperately needed those moments in this time. No cruelty, no expectations. Just a nice word.

I got two responses of confusion. Some people didn’t respond, of course. But the majority of people was positive. I cannot count the number of times I got a “it made my day.” The smiles, the joy, and even the tears were worth it.

And all it took was one minute.

There’s going to be a lot of debate about what we did in this time in the days, weeks and years to come. The one honest mistake I feel we all made for the longest time is that we chose not to take that one minute. We’re all scared. I think being honest, this is a very unknown time. Going forward, it seems like we’re heading in the other direction and coming back into the world. We could always fall back, but I see it going into that direction.

We spent months fighting each other. Why didn’t we take that minute and just say, “Hey, I appreciate you?” It doesn’t cost anything to be kind. Why in a time like this were we so slow to get there?

I hope we never go through a time like this again. Anything is possible, but this is not something I’d wish on anyone. I do know that crisis will come again. Next time, I hope that we treat each other better. In an absence of good ideas, a kind word goes a long way. That might be the biggest lesson I’ve learned in this whole time.

Stay kind out there.

Episode 654: Just Joshing Episode 654: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 2 Just Joshing

#interviews #illustrations #writingcommunity #booktubeIn the conclusion to my drink and draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco, we talk about regret, learning from experiences, taking chances, and draw stuff. I manage to draw skulls. I always enjoy my chats with my sister, and I'm proud of her and who she's become. Listen to this and find out why.SponsorsPD Alleva Golem – Someone's creation can truly be the path of destruction. The devil is the details.PD Alleva's latest release, Golem is live now. Click the link to pick up this excellent horror novel. Jenna Greene and Wiggers the Well Dressed Wombat – check out Jenna Greene's Picture book releasing November 8th and get some great fashion advice from a wombat. Visit her page for more detailsRoadkill Rampage #2 – Evil runs deep in this forest as Tess finds a stray dog and explores the sinister secrets of the men she meets. This kickstarter courtesy of Hazzum Productions starts Oct. 20th. Click on the link to follow.Rae Hope Pantalleresco:Photography InstagramArt InstagramMy Stuff:Books:Alice ZeroThe Cloud DiverSupport And Subscribe:Buy my MerchBuy Me A CoffeeNewsletterPatreonTwitchYoutube
  1. Episode 654: Just Joshing Episode 654: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 2
  2. Episode 653: Just Joshing Episode 653: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 1
  3. Episode 652: Just Joshing Episode 652: Kaki Olsen
  4. Episode 651: Just Joshing Episode 651: Betsy Ross
  5. Episode 650: Just Joshing Episode 650: Christian Tiege

Shameless Self Promotion

I got some things I’ve hinted at, but as usual, there comes a point where you want to have more to accomplish. And I thought about writing this because people struggle with the concept of sales, and the perspective of talking about yourself always seems hollow. I’ve talked about this many times on my podcast Just Joshing. I’ve come to some interesting conclusions.

It’s scary talking about yourself in the best light. We can be self deprecating. I made it a point in my conversation with Nikki Nash to be as self deprecating as possible. It’s easy to be humble. It’s easy to keep yourself in perspective when you have nothing.

But, when you sell something, more importantly, sell something that you’ve personally bled, and sacrificed and crafted to put together for an audience, it’s terrifying. What if, it’s terrible? What if, no one wants it? What if, it’s not good? And this last one is what all artists fear.

We all have audacity to believe that what we say matters. If I didn’t believe it, I wouldn’t take pen to page. I wouldn’t be typing this blog out now for you to read. But I believe in what I’m saying because I’m putting it down for you to read. Simple right? Actions dictate what is important to us all.

If you want to take writing as a career and be serious about it, you must treat it like it’s a business. And the name of the game of business IS sales.

And while I will happily divulge what I believe sales is in another blog. That all said, today I’m taking my audacity to another level. I’m talking about nominating my books for awards.

Now awards are cool. Awards mean that your peers respect what you are doing and are willing to honor you with recognition. It’s not quite the same as getting paid, but it’s a cool feeling to find that your words are respected and loved by your peers. This blog is about me asking you my readers to nominate me today.

Now, I don’t normally push for it. But I have to practice what I preach. If I believe my works are worth it, than I must show beyond a shadow of a doubt that I believe in my own work.

The Auroras features some of Canada’s brightest and most bombastic voices in fiction. Canada has a lot of fantastic writers in science fiction and fantasy and we don’t voice it loud enough. I say it here, we’re some of the best in the world, and we are closing nominations for this prestigous honor today. You can visit the page here and register to vote. There are a lot of great books up there to vote for, and a lot of great voices to push. I recommend people like Suzy Vadori and Swati Chavda and Craig Dilouie if you want to check out some amazing reads.

But for once, I’m going to talk about me. I have three things eligible.

First off, my podcast. Just Joshing has reached the milestone of 550 episodes and counting. I still have a canadian focus to my work but have expanded the podcast to interview streamers and video game developers, and I draw on the show now that it has gone visual.

You can see episodes of my podcast here. Or you can listen to them here.

But beyond my podcast, I have two books eligible.

The first is The Cloud Diver. It’s my first novel. I’m proud of the work Lance Buan and I did with it. Johnny follows a girl with the Gunblade into the digital cloud and gets a file that everyone from zombie mobsters to unicorns that fart rainbows want. You can buy it here, and here’s a picture of Lance’s cover.

This cover always rocks

Lastly, I have a little book of poetry I’m particularly proud of. I mashed up Alice in Wonderland with Greek Mythology. Alice is Pandora and she opened the box and fell down into a rabbit hole, with a certain cheshire companion inside her head. Can she rediscover who she is before it’s too late? Written by yours truly, and illustrated by the incredible Kenzie Carr. (And yes, a sequel is coming out this year for it. More soon.)

You can check out the book here. And here’s Kenzie’s Awesome cover.

Another Awesome Cover

I enjoyed this take with Alice, and I think you will too. Now, that said, it’s all about the Auroras. So take a look at these, and if you have time for a kind word. Nominate them here. It all closes today.

Now that all said, there’s a lot of great stuff there, so check them out. It closes today.

Episode 654: Just Joshing Episode 654: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 2 Just Joshing

#interviews #illustrations #writingcommunity #booktubeIn the conclusion to my drink and draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco, we talk about regret, learning from experiences, taking chances, and draw stuff. I manage to draw skulls. I always enjoy my chats with my sister, and I'm proud of her and who she's become. Listen to this and find out why.SponsorsPD Alleva Golem – Someone's creation can truly be the path of destruction. The devil is the details.PD Alleva's latest release, Golem is live now. Click the link to pick up this excellent horror novel. Jenna Greene and Wiggers the Well Dressed Wombat – check out Jenna Greene's Picture book releasing November 8th and get some great fashion advice from a wombat. Visit her page for more detailsRoadkill Rampage #2 – Evil runs deep in this forest as Tess finds a stray dog and explores the sinister secrets of the men she meets. This kickstarter courtesy of Hazzum Productions starts Oct. 20th. Click on the link to follow.Rae Hope Pantalleresco:Photography InstagramArt InstagramMy Stuff:Books:Alice ZeroThe Cloud DiverSupport And Subscribe:Buy my MerchBuy Me A CoffeeNewsletterPatreonTwitchYoutube
  1. Episode 654: Just Joshing Episode 654: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 2
  2. Episode 653: Just Joshing Episode 653: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 1
  3. Episode 652: Just Joshing Episode 652: Kaki Olsen
  4. Episode 651: Just Joshing Episode 651: Betsy Ross
  5. Episode 650: Just Joshing Episode 650: Christian Tiege

Evil

You told me I was evil

There was darkness inside me

And I believed

I hear the voices in my head

The struggle for grief

The endless pain I am in trying to understand

It’s so easy to believe

I am not a good person

That’s how the story goes

Preachers in their pulpit

Congregating in ancient times

Told my mother and father the same thing

There is evil inside you, they said

And because we were afraid

We believed it

This infestation of shadow

The guilt and fear and shame

Swallow us in turmoil

We are all monsters

Try as I might I can’t change this

My soul burns in blackness

Until one day, I stop listening to the story

Start listening to that inner voice

Screaming

There are shadows inside me

But there is so much more too

I stopped listening to your story

And listened to me instead

I don’t need your definitions

I don’t need judgment, or even understanding

I realize that I have always been free to be me

It’s time to take the pen to page

I am just a man

I make mistakes and miracles

I try to be the best man I can

I listen to that inner voice that sings

The only evil out there is you

You who tell me to be afraid

You who tell me I am evil

You who say to be guilty

There is no more guilt or shame

I don’t need you

I never did

And that’s the whole of your secret

I am free to dream

I can simply be

There isn’t evil inside me

There is only possibility

Episode 654: Just Joshing Episode 654: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 2 Just Joshing

#interviews #illustrations #writingcommunity #booktubeIn the conclusion to my drink and draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco, we talk about regret, learning from experiences, taking chances, and draw stuff. I manage to draw skulls. I always enjoy my chats with my sister, and I'm proud of her and who she's become. Listen to this and find out why.SponsorsPD Alleva Golem – Someone's creation can truly be the path of destruction. The devil is the details.PD Alleva's latest release, Golem is live now. Click the link to pick up this excellent horror novel. Jenna Greene and Wiggers the Well Dressed Wombat – check out Jenna Greene's Picture book releasing November 8th and get some great fashion advice from a wombat. Visit her page for more detailsRoadkill Rampage #2 – Evil runs deep in this forest as Tess finds a stray dog and explores the sinister secrets of the men she meets. This kickstarter courtesy of Hazzum Productions starts Oct. 20th. Click on the link to follow.Rae Hope Pantalleresco:Photography InstagramArt InstagramMy Stuff:Books:Alice ZeroThe Cloud DiverSupport And Subscribe:Buy my MerchBuy Me A CoffeeNewsletterPatreonTwitchYoutube
  1. Episode 654: Just Joshing Episode 654: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 2
  2. Episode 653: Just Joshing Episode 653: Drink and Draw with Rae Hope Pantalleresco Part 1
  3. Episode 652: Just Joshing Episode 652: Kaki Olsen
  4. Episode 651: Just Joshing Episode 651: Betsy Ross
  5. Episode 650: Just Joshing Episode 650: Christian Tiege