Intention, Impact, Interpretation

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Today is the one day anniversary of my GoFundMe.  I did a GoFundMe in regards to restoring my teeth. Before I begin I want to say thank you to everyone that shared it, donated to it, and made it so my smile is a hell of a lot better than it was a year ago.  What a difference a year makes.

It got me reminiscing about the start of the campaign, thinking about actions.  Specifically, mine, and how sometimes an action can have a different meaning to a lot of people, and in the last year I’ve had a lot of time to ponder how Intention, Impact and Interpretation play key reasons in why people lose friendships, trust, and by and large how things can fall apart.

The beginning of my campaign drove this point home last year.  My intention was to tell my story, and it led to quite a few unexpected results.  Not the least of which a former mentor of mine interrupting the proceedings.  It made me think about this in regards to how all of us see things differently, and why.  I concluded that it has to do with three things.

Intentions

I’m not going to dwell on the GoFundMe, but talk about another incident that happened awhile ago.  A friend of mine was travelling abroad, and was in a spot where they needed money, and I could help them.  The problem with this is that people tend to have a hard time when you give them money for nothing.  For some reason it doesn’t sit well.  I had need of an editor, and offered them the job to do so.

That really, was all my intentions.  I believe that all of us by and large, have good intentions with everything we do. Call me naive, call me foolish, but for me, it takes a lot of work to be malicious and deliberate.  Most of us when we do things, only intend the best.  

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions and it’s very true.  Good intentions are dangerous not because they aren’t well meaning, but rather because they are inarguable.  I mean, I wanted to do a good thing for no other reason than they were my friend and needed help.  What’s wrong with that?

What happened was another story altogether.

Impact

Much like intentions, impact brooks no argument either.  Impact is the result of the actions and once it’s played out, it’s played out.  No matter how good the intentions are, sometimes the result is crap. The project I asked them to edit was a lot bigger than the budget than I paid for. I should have said something, offered more money, done something to compensate for that.  I didn’t.

I underestimated the workload and how that person felt about being treated.  Long story short, I fucked up, and they felt like crap.

I think more than anything they felt disrespected and unappreciated for what I did.  And I can’t argue that this was the impact of what I did.  I made mistakes and I should have done quite a few things differently.

I didn’t.  That’s on me.

I didn’t mean for things to go FUBAR, but it happened.  It just didn’t work out, and neither of us were happy with the other as a result.  They haven’t spoken with me since.

Interpretation

To top things off, things get murky here.  One person’s interpretation of this could be that I was trying to take advantage of my friend.  From my point of view, I was just trying to help them in a tough spot.  In hindsight, I should have just given them the money.  I’d rather have them suffer their pride instead of losing a friend.

Was I a scumbag?  Or did I just make a mistake?  You decide.  That’s the thing about interpretation.  It’s always open to debate, and we could go back and forth forever.  On top of that, the truth doesn’t give a damn what I or anyone else thinks on the matter.  It just is.

The truth? I fucked up. No ifs, ands or buts. I wish I had done it differently. I wish I could apologize.  I can’t, and it sucks.

This is the absolute shittiest part about being a boss.  At the end of the day, we’re human beings trying to do what he have to.  The responsibility of things going to hell is always squarely on the guy in charge. And sometimes the bucket of crap you got to swallow is quite large.

It’s done though. All I can do is learn from it.

I learned an awful lot about dealing with people in the future, and being fairer and clearer, and basically never ever making anyone feel like that ever again. I don’t want to ever do that to someone. I don’t want to lose friends, I don’t want to make anyone feel disrespected for the work they put in.  I know what that feels like, and it’s awful.

I’m not going to say that they were perfect, but to point out all of their mistakes when I clearly made my own is a cop out.  This job was my idea. At the end of the day, I’m responsible.

 I can be better from here and make sure I do everything in my power to make people I work with and for feel like I’ve done my best.  That’s it. 

People make all kinds of errors with each other, big and small. It happens all the time. The most innocent of ideas can be devastating.  Sometimes the best thing we can do is put ourselves in the other person’s shoes.  Show some empathy and understanding to the situation and maybe prevent some of the dangers from occurring.  Prevention in this case is better than cure.

I’ve worked with other people since, and it’s been better. I do my best to make sure that doesn’t happen again.  I’ve learned that much.

Hopefully the next time I make a mistake, I consider the impact of my intentions. People are at their best, very fragile. I need to remember that, both sides of the equation.  Hopefully if you’re reading this, make sure that the people who trust you enough to work with you are content.  Treat people as best you can, and be honest with your mistakes.

Next time, I’ll talk about the writing stuff coming up next year and betting on me.  I hope this is helpful to you who are reading it and are employing others.

Betting On… Part 2: Just Joshing Podcast – Now and Tomorrow

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I guess I can’t deny that Just Joshing has done well. It was started much like everything else I do in my career, by accident.  Robert J. Sawyer was going to be interviewed for this blog like everyone that came before it, until he mouthed the word podcast.  I hadn’t thought of a podcast.  The idea of a podcast seemed kind of out there.  Could I do it? Why wouldn’t I do it? Should I do it?

There was no reason for me for me not to do it, and while I didn’t know what I was doing, it wouldn’t be the first time, nor likely will it be the last. 

I wanted a diner kind of feel with the podcast.  Kudos to Lance Buan for killing it.

I just released Episode 211 with Maggie Bolcsfoldy, a photographer that takes pictures of local and famous metal bands.  https://www.podomatic.com/podcasts/jpantalleresco/episodes/2018-11-22T01_38_11-08_00

I’ve done two hundred episodes of Just Joshing. I’m interviewing awesome people, and always getting the chance to listen to people’s stories of how they made and went for it is still a high. I don’t think that will ever change.  I get laughs, tears and hopes laid bare.  When I interviewed Elizabeth Whitton, I realized just how trusted I am with my show and with the people I interviewed, and I think that more than anything is the biggest thing.  I’m humbled by people’s faith in me. I’m flattered and do my best to live up to it. Here’s Elizabeth’s episode to listen to if you wish:

 https://www.podomatic.com/podcasts/jpantalleresco/episodes/2018-10-10T03_10_19-07_00

Two hundred episodes later and an Aurora on my desk, where do we go from here? For starters, we keep to the mission statement. My podcast is about promoting writers primarily, but also other artists to the world at large. There are amazing stories out there that people should listen to and be inspired by.

This year I want more listeners and I want to see if I can at least get some income from this.  So I’m pursuing that a number of different ways.  On the small scale I’m acquiring sponsors.  I may have an announcement or two on the way, but it’s already begin.  I also intend on doing some kind of advertisements on the show, but not many.  Honest, I would prefer sponsors.  So starting in January there will be some cool giveaways and other stuff heading to the podcast.

But I also have big plans this year.  One of the things I’m hoping that happens this year is that I do my first ever 24 hour podcast for charity.  I’m aiming for September 2019.  My plan is to rent Loft 112 in Calgary and invite people to the studio and do cool stuff. I’m hoping to get music, art stuff and other activities going on for a cause.  Which cause? I’ll probably not seriously start looking at it until April, but it seems like a fun challenge.

Why not?

Also, I’ll be doing a special San Diego convention show with Joe Compton.  Joe Compton is the host of GoIndieNow and we had a lot of fun chatting at When Words Collide this year. We want to work on something together and have a real cool idea.  More on this later.  In the meantime, have a listen to Joe Compton. 

https://www.podomatic.com/podcasts/jpantalleresco/episodes/2018-10-29T00_48_30-07_00

All in all, there are a lot of plans to expand the podcast, and a lot of things are about to drop soon.  I hit momentum, and want to keep riding this into the future, wherever it may leave me.

Next blog, I promise, we’ll get to the writing stuff. For now, stay inspired, and know the best is yet to come. 

Betting On…

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So I can honestly say this has been a great year. I fixed my teeth first and foremost, and in the process exorcised quite a few demons out of myself. 

a sexy beast right there

Look at that smile.  Isn’t that awesome? 

Then I just kept writing and podcasting. On the writing front, all seems quiet. You haven’t seen a new book from me this year.  It does look like you will three next year at least, but this year was more about developing new things and continuing what was happening from the year prior.  I did finally do a book launch at Owl’s Nest books that was also a live podcast. I ended up setting myself to do more shows next year.

Sweet and Sultry Summer was a lot of fun for me.  I ended up becoming more acclimated with the Romantic writing communities.  It was a lot of fun and once again I want to thank M. Jane Colette for giving me the opportunity to be a part of something special that she created.  It was a blast to do and I hope I get a shot to do it again this year.

Shortly after this event I got an email that said that I was a finalist for The Grand Prix Aurora awards.  I won.

still can’t believe it.

That’s a hell of a year right there. But all in all I’ve been feeling like there’s been a swell of momentum heading down this direction. I’ve had doors open up, and to my humbling surprise, it seems like this podcast of mine is influencing and inspiring people. 

Now, it’s no secret that I’ve been wanting out of my day job forever. It’s the dream right? One of the things about my day job though is the flexibility it has. My goals are pretty much well known, and I’m given the opportunity to push forward on my dreams. I’d be a fool not to be grateful for that. 

I’m not getting younger. I have my dreams and my goals in front of me still, and it feels like there are things in reach.  Doors have opened, cool things keep happening to me, and at some point you have to ride the momentum.

You have to bet on you.  I have to bet on me. I think I’m onto something here. I’ve said in my social media that you have to go to it. It’s time to go for it. Let’s see what happens when I take things even more seriously.

Success is work. Bottom line.  I have to take my podcast more seriously, and I have to take my writing more seriously.

If anything I’ve learned this year is that if I focused on my writing as much as my podcast, who knows what I can accomplish?  So now is the time and opportunity to create that chance.

I don’t know if reading this, you are stuck on going for it, you need to. At some point, you can’t stay safe.  You have to leap.  And it’s okay to fail.  I know I still have long days ahead on the day job.  Even going part time, there will be moments I’ll have to work more.  I may have a week here or a month there, but it’s going to be less.

My dreams will take precedence more. At the end of the day, you have to decide what you want.  You have to make the decision of who you want to be. We all do what we want to do. So what do you want?

I know what I want.

Next time, we’ll talk the future in detail.

https://www.podomatic.com/embed/html5/podcast/5290939

Momentum

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Momentum is a fun thing.  Since the Aurora Win, I’ve seemed to have drawn a lot more attention.  The following has been kind of how my schedule has gone the last couple of weeks.  I’ve not said everything in here mind you, but enough to give you a sense of how surreal things can get.

Monday Oct. 22nd

New podcast posted.

Wake up and Interview Spider Robinson.  Awesome interview and time.  Spider is a sweet man enjoying his life, and I can’t wait to share this interview when it’s out.

Got approached from a friend in high school I hadn’t heard from in a long time.  Cool to catch up.

Tuesday Oct. 23rd

Woke up to busiest podcast activity ever.  Got feedback from a friend for my next book (more on that next blog). Came awake to request to be interviewed.  Got memed.  Still have nightmares about the one with my face on a banana.

Wednesday Oct. 24th

Asked to do a quote for a book signing and talk to an author dealing with some of their own personal struggles.  Never been approached like that before.

Thursday Oct. 25th

Released new column and new podcast.  Asked a few people to be column three and got a taker.  Woot. Beyond that, got requested to do an interview for next week.  Scheduled another interview and did some revising on next book.

Column: https://www.firstcomicsnews.com/just-joshing-the-empty/

https://www.podomatic.com/embed/html5/episode/8931008?style=normal&autoplay=false

Friday Oct. 26th

Had a day off.  Woot.  Podcast broke 400 plays/downloads in a week.  Crazy how things grow.

Saturday Oct. 27th

Interviewed probably one of the most respected publishers as a person.  He was beyond class and we sat down and chatted a bit about his life story.  Awesome dude.

Attended friend’s concert performance and wanted my opinion.  Was a lot of fun to see him in action again and we talked some stuff over.  Scored a potential podcast interview in the future.

Sunday Oct. 28th

Did another interview with a good friend of mine.  His episode will air sooner than later. Another interview request.  Also, finally got back to write club and catch up.  Wanted to thank some of them personally for my success.

There was a lot more that happened, but I thought that this would be a neat look at what’s been going on with me the last few weeks.  This isn’t a brag so much as a change.  Momentum really starts rolling for you.  It never stops.  I’ve been trying to work a little earlier for the day job.  I honestly couldn’t do it.  Things were taking my attention more and more with the podcast and the writing stuff that I was happy.

It’s one thing to work and work and work at things.  It’s another to see things moving and fires burning. I’m really stoked that this is the way things are going.

I’m going back to When Words Collide here.  Saturday night I had a chance to talk to Jonas Saul.  For all Jonas has done, he told me that he still felt like he hadn’t accomplished anything.  There is something to that thinking.  You have to always approach things as if you’re starting from the very beginning.  Even though this has been an amazing year for me, I feel like there is still a lot to do.

I’m always a work in progress.

Still, it’s neat to see momentum and things moving.  I hope if you’re reading this, you’ve experienced something like this too.

Two Voices

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One of my biggest frustrations with people is that they are unwilling to act. I’m being brutal and critical here, and a little bit hypocritical.  Nonetheless, it is very frustrating for me to witness people not act on what they should be doing.

I know, I know, it sounds judgmental as all hell.  What is should right? Who am I to tell you what you should do?  I mean shouldn’t we all make that decision for ourselves? And yeah, we should.  But that’s the irony.

I truly believe all of us know why we’re here.  We have things inside we want to do or should do.  For example, with me, it was my teeth.  I should have fixed them a long time ago.  I talk about that journey here if you want to read it.  But this illustrates my hypocrisy and my own struggles with people’s inactions, including my own.  There are things we all need to work on, and sometimes it just takes time to get there.

But sometimes it’s so obvious. My teeth are my example for me, but it goes deeper than that.

I was talking to someone this weekend and I figured out something. As a person, I don’t like having my time wasted. And a lot of times people freeze.  They are not sure what they are going to do, they know that there is a risk of failure and stop dead.

I remember high school.  I had this crush on this girl named Shannon.  I denied it.  I pretended it didn’t exist.  One song played on the radio and I knew I was an idiot.  I had this opportunity and I didn’t take it.  I’ve made a million mistakes since then, but this one still bothers me after all these years.  I had a chance and I blew it.  And it hurts. A lot.

Because I listened to a voice that convinced me not to go for it.  I listened to the concept of not trying to get her number, ask her out or go on a date.  I never really gave myself the chance.  We all have those stories I think. We all miss opportunities in front of us just because we are afraid to take those chances.

I vowed after her that I would never ever feel like that again.  I never wanted to have that kind of regret in my life. So ever since, if there is a conflict between the voice of “I can do this” versus “I can’t do this” I always try to listen to the first one.  It’s not perfect, but I don’t have too many moments in my past where there’s pain like that.

I still have things from my childhood I still want to do.  I still want to learn to drive a motorcycle and pilot a plane.  But by and large, I’ve been able to go for it with all the things I’ve felt like I SHOULD do.

How do I know it’s what I should do? I’m terrified.  Yeah, I’m scared to death.  Not in that terrifying way that freezes me up.  But doubts, thoughts, nagging feelings, all are there.  I feel them.  We all do I think.

I just try to act on them.  Because I can’t help but wonder what will happen if I don’t.  Nothing I’ve done – success, failures, or rejections – feel as painful as not doing it. I rather try and fail than not try at all.

As I get older, I realize how rare that last paragraph is.  It’s very easy to listen to the other voice.  The one that says you shouldn’t do it, can’t do it.  Lots of excuses form in the head.  You are too sick, you don’t have time, you have kids (not completely an excuse, but careful using them as a shield), you’re not smart enough, you don’t know what you’re doing, I can list a thousand more excuses. People are very creative when it comes to listening to this particular voice not to do something.

One time while I was at this coffee shop, I met this dude that had this great plan to work and do the job.  I asked him what he wanted to do. He told me that he wanted to surf in Mexico.

So why not just cut out the bullshit and just surf in mexico?  I suggested it to this man and he blanched.  He was afraid.  Afraid to pursue that passion.  He was afraid to look foolish, afraid to try it and fail, afraid.  Just afraid.

What does one do with that kind of fear if they don’t face it?

My two hundredth podcast came out. I always loved interviews and doing them.  You can go back far enough in this blog to read this.  Last weekend I got an Aurora Award for them through my podcast Just Joshing.  I did it by just following my passion, doing what I said I was going to do, and following through, embracing a piece of my destiny.

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I never would have gotten this if I had been afraid to do it.

Who knows where I’ll go from here when I keep doing it.

From me to you, I hope you face your fears and go for it. Let go and give it a shot. You may be surprised where it will lead you. It’s what you should do.

https://www.podomatic.com/embed/html5/episode/8918611?style=normal&autoplay=false

A Magical Weekend

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It’s been a crazy weekend.  Almost a perfect one.  My vacation had been great because of catching up with friends and family throughout a very crazy travel schedule. I found myself heading back to Vancouver for V Con.  I was looking forward to checking out the Auroras, hoping that I’d win, but also cool if I didn’t.  Sam Beiko and Clare Marshall have an amazing podcast, Kraken not Stirred has a decent album.  With that bit of cautious optimism, I was off.

Friday

First off, I got upgraded to V Con via Westjet to their first class.  This happened on the way back too.  I could get used to water and space.  I left the snowy tundras of Calgary and arrived into rainy Richmond (Vancouver).  And it wasn’t the only upgrade. Once I arrived and had breakfast, I found myself getting called by my hotel and I got an upgrade there too.  Nice.  Seemed things were going good.

V Con is a small but fun show as I walked in.  It was great to see Graham Darling, Pat Flewelling, Sandra Wickham and others as I settled into the show.  It was nice to see Hayden and Liz Trenholm there as well.  I got them and Pat to be interviewed and proceeded to enjoy the show.

Once I got the lay of the land, I realized that I might as well enjoy myself.  I was on vacation, so I might as well enjoy a show.

Plus, friday night is the Aurora pinning ceremony.  This would have been fun enough. It wasn’t that I got pinned, but rather the people around me that did. IMG_20181005_193131_147[1]

Liz Trenholm in particular to me, awesome. If anyone besides me got made this weekend, it was her.  She had worked very hard for this nomination and she like me enjoyed every minute of the journey.

Then Spider Robinson walked by.

Yeah.  THAT Spider Robinson.  He got his new pin, and I got kind of star struck, and so did half the room. Did not expect to see him, and it was cool to actually meet him.  I shook his hand.  (Yes, I’m a fanboy.  Have you listened to my podcast?)

I had two interactions with Spider beyond this.  The first was just passing him by as he was on his way to his beatles tribute concert (which was awesome) I tried to talk to him, and then realized very quickly that this performance was on his mind and politely excused himself.

I walked into the concert later and heard him and company kill some beatles classics like “Hard Days Night” and “Eight Days a week.” If anything I got how skilled the beatles was. Spider plays a great guitar but some of the chords on quite a few beatles songs are intricate.  Kudos to all of them for this.

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Saturday

So I’m going to bring up Charles Stross before my second interaction.  I had asked Charles at the beginning of the show if he wanted to be interviewed and said sure.  It didn’t happen.  The reason this kind of resonated was that I ran into Spider the next day on his way out.  He was looking for directions which I helped him with, and then I went for it. I asked him if he’d like to do the podcast.

So right this minute I am looking at his email and his number to do the interview.  The email is sent as of this writing.  To say I’m stoked is an understatement.  Wow.  I got a chance to interview Spider Robinson.

I got some other great interviews as well.  Hayden Trenholm and I finally got a chance to do a proper conversation. Our first interview was unfortunately cut short, so this time we got a chance.  I enjoyed it as I did Liz and Pat.

I saw some great panels with Susan Forest, Hayden and Liz Trenholm, as well as Sandra Wickham, JM Landels and TG Shepherd before the Aurora Awards.

My category was first off.  I gave myself hope.  And you know what?

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The most surreal thing about the night was hearing my name. I didn’t believe it.  I mean, I thought I was good enough to believe I could win, but I didn’t expect to hear my name. I heard it though.  I went up and spoke a very brief speech that showed my gratitude and sat down, still in shock.

I mean I’m looking at it right now and I still don’t believe it.  I mean, it’s mine.  Then I got congratulated. Gerald Brandt was the first person to congratulate me online.  Others followed.  I had conversations with Fonda Lee, Brent Nichols, and others.  I actually paused typing this.

Somehow my life has become filled with people who are doing incredible things.  I do believe magic as described in books on some levels is quite real.  That said, this pales in comparison to the magic of just going in and doing what I’ve done.  All I’ve done is give a platform for people to tell their stories.  I’ve been touched by the lives of people that have given me this opportunity.  And I cannot thank you all enough.  So, yeah, thank you all.

I celebrated.  I had a drink for Fonda and the others who could not be there. It was a very cool night.

Sunday

My con ended after my early interviews.  I headed into downtown Vancouver to talk to Sofia Evangelina and her mom, and we talked.  Sofia has a very bright future ahead of her.  And you should listen to my conversation with her to see why I feel that way.   I got a chance to see what they are up to, and get interviewed.  It was a great way to conclude an amazing weekend.

It’s Wednesday and I still feel charged. I’m back to work.  The one thing about success that a lot of people need to realize is that it never stops.  You have to keep going and do the things that brought you to the dance.  I’m back at it.

What blows me away is that I’m still getting congratulations and notice. I think the one that gets me smiling the most is my high school peers. In some cases, I’ve wandered off the beaten path of many of them. And just to see a few of them just congratulate me is awesome.  To my friends from my high school days, I hope you are doing just as well in your endeavors.

This is a hell of a birthday present. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.  I met legends, got recognized by my peers, traveled the country, and even now, doors are opening.  Thank you each and every one for your thanks, and for your belief in me.  I can’t wait to see what’s next.

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Call to Arms

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I posted this on my facebook.  Thought it would be a great read here.

Enjoy.

JP

At the party I was at last night I was asked. “Don’t you feel alone?” I was asked that because we were talking about self worth and the choices I made. We went down other avenues, but she got me thinking.

I’m a storyteller who loves stories. If you understand that, you can understand everything I do.

I have expectations and attachments. I care. I’m passionate. I’m driven. I seek to try to create something from my dreams and imagination. Sometimes it’s a lot of fun. I’m by myself scribbling madly at a scene involving a nineteen year old prodigy about to fly again for the first time in ten years. Awesome scene.

Sometimes it’s a struggle. I still am figuring out how to make this a living. I have to find readers, listeners, and I have to do all this while promoting myself and putting in the late nights and work while others of my friends are starting families, living in nice places. If we go by material goods, a lot of people might see me a failure.

Lots of friends are starting families and settling down. I’m still beating down this path.

But this is who I am. I’m a storyteller who loves stories, trying to get to the point where I can just do this all the time.

There’s no clear path today. More than ever everything is in flux. The future has to be created and there is no clear way to a happy ending. On top of that, people don’t believe their worth. One friend always loves to tell me that when we talk that they were taught to shoot for the moon and they can make anything happen. What he and a lot of people don’t mention is the clause that was instituted. You can have what you want…IF you’re good enough.

That good enough clause is why a lot of people don’t pursue their passions. What is good enough? Do you need permission from someone to say you can do this? I’ve never let not knowing what I’m doing stop me. You have to go for it. Otherwise you get nothing in this life.

More than ever, today is a world of ideas. Technology combined with imagination has given us all the ability to build a world we wish. At the end of the day, we all do what we want to. All of us have the power to create a life we choose.

But that’s work. You have to be willing to put yourself out there. You will be rejected. Chasing your dreams, going for big stuff, requires a thick skin. It doesn’t require permission. It just requires you going out on a limb.

And it’s lonely sometimes too. Not enough of us do this.

So this Monday morning as you read this, I hope you’re motivated. I want to see caring, moving forward human beings doing the best they can to express that higher calling they have inside them. There will be lows, but there will also be incredible highs.

Be creative, unconventional, exceptional and motivational. Have a great week and kick some ass.

The Copycat Method – Five Months Later

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For backstory, read here: https://jpantalleresco.wordpress.com/2018/03/27/what-my-teeth-has-taught-me-about-people/ .  Don’t worry. I’ll be here when you get back.

Finish reading? Cool. Let’s begin shall we?

Copycat

So with the exception of two promises I made prior to this, I’ve followed this pretty close to the letter. One individual I promised to trade journal entries with. The other I know just needs support right now.  With everyone else, I’ve maintained this.  So I thought I’d talk about what I lost, what I learned and what I gained.

What I lost

So a few people shortly thereafter I did this disappeared.  Most of these people were not surprising at all. I’ve gotten too old for the “I’m not good at this” excuse when it comes to connecting with people. So if they haven’t been good at this traditionally, I’ve tended to let them continue that path.

People do what they want to do. This is always the case.  If people want you in their life, in no uncertain terms do they disclose this. If they don’t, nothing can make you come in there, unless you drag them down your path kicking and screaming.  No one has fun with that and I am far too old to try it.

I look at the journal case in particular and saw me attempting to keep my promise, made me observe things that I didn’t see when I was busy trying to chase them down. When I exchanged the journal, they still didn’t really make an effort to engage, allowing other people to kind of serve the talking part of the communication and interaction. I realized that they really weren’t in the position to engage me. Whether it was anxiety, a lack of desire, it didn’t matter – the result was the same.

People are going to do what they want to do. That is the whole of things. If they want to make an effort they will.  As is, the journal was my last promise to them. With one small exception, I haven’t heard from them, and chances are I probably won’t anytime soon.  I’m okay with this.

The other thing I’ve learned about this is to be careful of the promises you make. Sometimes they are corrosive, as the people you give them to don’t always appreciate just what kind of commitment to them in terms of time. I kept my word, but that’s as far as I go.

Some of the people that have disappeared have surprised me. Friendships I didn’t expect to fade from this have faded. Some of them have been tempting to try and chase down, but I’ve refused to do so. I can’t control what people want to do for one, and two, I recognize that maybe they have their own reasons.  Maybe I’ve been a terrible friend to them. Maybe as I’ve done my own pruning they in turn needed to do their own.

I relearned that some people come into your life for a short time. Others can be there a life time. Friendship that endures is truly a rare thing.  We all have our own roads to walk in life. We have different dreams, goals, and paths diverge. All you can do is wish the people that choose to walk away well.

Some do return in unexpected ways too.

What I’ve Gained

The other end of this spectrum is like I’ve turned a key to a door. By being willing to let go of the people that didn’t want to have a connection, I’ve opened the door to all kinds of people. Part of this has been me adapting what I do with the podcast, being open to the kind of people that walk into my life.

I’ve noticed that a lot of the people I’m meeting now have more of a similar mindset to what I do have at this moment in time. Some are more successful, some less, but all are hungry to do amazing things, and are.

When you meet a photographer/manager and find a secret recording studio in the last place you’d ever expect, I mean it’s literally like I stepped into another world. Or a historian who is talking about travelling the world in order to connect with the past.  Or when you plan to make a splash at San Diego with a fellow media personality who you made fast friends with at a conference.  All of these people are awesome.  I’m talking to people who want to change their worlds.  And that is so cool.

I’ve found more success too. I’m not saying anyone is in the way exactly, but it’s as though I’ve traded people who don’t want to be there, and opportunities have been finding me in their place.

I’m happier, more motivated, and feel a lot more unstuck. I feel like water, assuming the shape of a different cup than I had before.  I’m curious where this is all going.

I’m not the same guy anymore and I”m okay with that. I’ve been enjoying the people I’ve been encountering down this path, and am keeping my doors open.

Some friends come back, and they let you into important moments in their lives, which is awesome.  But in any case, new or old friend alike, I wish you well. Life is too short for any real animosity. (He tries to tell himself this with his own flaws.)

I recommend this to people, for a few reasons.  You do lose people, but in return you find more people like you at this moment in time. And you’ll be happier for it.

Alright, I’m off to finish a novel in a week and a half.  See you guys when I finish.

 

My When Words Collide Experience

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I wasn’t sure what to expect with this years When Words Collide.  A few familiar faces I tend to hang around with were not there, and I have to admit that I was nervous about a couple of the panels I was doing. IMG_20180810_150122_889

Friday

I spent a decent chunk of my Friday prior to arriving at the event hunting this book down.  After a couple book stores I was rewarded for my diligence and added this to my collection.  I was going to tongue tie anyone who attended my panel.

But I wasn’t sure about the Seuss off. Vanessa Cardui and myself had a contest last year that sparked this idea but I had no expectations.  Various people began to find me and tell me they were attending.

Cool, I thought to myself. Looks like this may be more than I bargained for.

My first panel was with Joe Compton as a guest on his Go Indie Youtube special.  I thought I handled myself okay.  It was a thrill to share the panel with Konn Lavery and Marc Watson.  It was fun.

Speaking of fun, I got to do a panel with Fonda Lee, Del Suelo, Adam Dreece and Jim Jackson.  It was a fun panel and it was great meeting Fonda and Del.

The rest of the night was plotting to do San Diego with Joe Compton.

Saturday

My day opened up with my podcasting panel.  It was more packed than last year and was very fun to engage so many people.  I am curious to see if new podcasts come about as a result.  Thanks to all that came out.

My boardgame live podcast was not as successful in terms of turnout.  Being in the backroom and not on the pamphlet hurt.  That all said those who did thank you.  I learned a lot.

And then it was time for the Seuss off.  I had one other concern.  Who would play?  It turns out, everyone.

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The tongue twisting schenanigans were fun by themselves.  Seeing Faye Arcande, Naomi Davis, Rissa Johnson and Elaine Lee read Fox and Socks in many different accents was a hoot.  I lost full control at the Valley Girl voice off between Rissa and Naomi, but they were all amazing. I am surprised I didn’t need a change of underwear after this panel, I was laughing so hard.  This panel is the greatest thing I have done at any convention.  Thanks to both Naomi and Randy Mccharles for encouraging me to try this.  Rest assured it will be back.

Saturday night was fun.  Got to meet Winston Pei, hang out with Stacey M. Miller and everyone else while forts were constructed and ghost stories told.  A good time was had by all.

Sunday 

I was at eighty percent when I walked in and met my first total stranger who loved my podcast.  It is very surreal when people approach you and say they like your work.  My imposter tarnished this a bit, but it was still a very cool feeling.

I got to moderate my first panel ever with the women of stampede. It was a small but engaging panel.  Thanks to Kate O’Conner, Shelley Kassian and Alyssa Linn Palmer for putting up with me for my first time.  It was fun.

Of course I conducted some fantastic podcast interviews.  Chris Carolan, Kai Kiriyama, Del Suelo, Konn Lavery, Joe Compton and Mark Leslie.  All in all, a busy conference.

This show for me is always a measurement of my growth.  My very first time here, I started a podcast.  That door has led me to meet amazing, magical people.  One person here told me I think everyone is awesome.  That isn’t true but I do think everyone that attends is.

At the end of the day we are all dreamers desiring to make something of the stories we live.  I cannot help but admire that, wherever anyone is on that walk.  It is easy to root for those that walk the walk of those dreams.  I know not all of us will end up where we thought we would, but that is not always a terrible thing.

I never thought I would be a successful podcaster.  I never considered this road to lead to being called brilliant, an expert.  I never expected this road at all and I am grateful.

Still, if I focused on my writing and created a similar consistency, would I ge as successful there as well? Thoughts to consider for the future.

It was a pleasure to see all of you.  I look forward to doing so again.  Until then…

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My Imposter

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So, I made a promise to Stacey M. Miller and Jim Jackson a personal story.  Wondering what to talk about, I realize that perhaps I should reflect on my feelings and some of the changes I’ve noticed in the past few months.  Not to mention that over the weekend, I realized an imposter had snuck inside me.  Once again, much like when I did my podcast with Adam Dreece the first time, my own words had come back to haunt me.

 

In this particular talk up here, the words that came back to me are the ones when we get to Adam talking about his earrings.  I found myself two years later eating those words with my own cares.   At Creative Ink I gave some advice for another author getting started that seems to need to be said to myself now.  (Irony you are evil.)   And I figure Stacey in particular will appreciate this.  So guys, this blog is dedicated to you.

Once upon a time there was a writer/podcaster who was used to being unnoticed. He had quietly gone about his business for what seems like forever. He was hoping for a touch of recognition.  What artist doesn’t want to have a little bit of audience after all?

Then one day, he gets an email that changes everything.  Suddenly, he wasn’t unnoticed anymore.  Words like successful and expert now were attached to said podcaster/author. Strangers approached him and told him they liked his show.  He never had experienced anything like this for anything he had done before.

Now what was he supposed to do with it?

This is my first ever convention that strangers have come up to me and talked about how much they love my podcast.  People I never have met have come to me and talked about my podcast in great detail.

I remember walking into the convention on Sunday, still kind of asleep when I heard my name said in a positive light.  I barely registered it when a friend pointed me out. A young man came to me with a smile on his face.  He showed me his podcast subscription list. I was on it.

I should have enjoyed it. Instead, I was on the outside looking at myself looking at this dude, the reality of the moment not hitting home like it should have. It was awkward and uncomfortable. I mean, I just do my thing you know?

I remember first coming to When Words Collide and not many people noticing me.  I was a face in the crowd who wanted more.  Who doesn’t want that right?

I started the podcast at When Words Collide three years ago. Since then I have had the pleasure of interviewing an incredible amount of amazing people.  And all the building up I have been doing with everyone else seems to be coming back to me.  And now, I understand what I do to others when I receive praise.

I was frozen. Doubt walked in and spoiled this moment.  It was all my fault.

I kind of feel like an egomaniac even typing this stuff.  I don’t have that much success you know?  One day once upon a time I was noticed for this.  I wasn’t doing anything special.  I just did my thing.  And this weekend words like expert, successful and brilliant were thrown at me by far more impressive people than I.

I blushed a lot. I never considered myself special.  At first it was nice, but hearing a lot of praise from a lot of places actually froze me in place.  What did I do to even come here to hear this?

I had gotten annoyed at listening to myself. In my podcast interviews  I talked about the Aurora so much that weekend with the podcasts I got sick of it.  Hearing anything nice about myself in anyway positive sounded so hollow and pretentious.

I was an Imposter.

I imagined success and recognition would make me like a rock star.  I would show up to thunderous applause and it would all play out like a beer commercial.  Babes, automobiles, and money.  Isn’t that the big dream of it all?

That’s the image of success.  The reality is much different.

Success is building yourself.  Success is setting expectations for yourself.  Success is having the imagination, passion and faith to keep going.  To believe in yourself that what you are doing matters, and that it’s getting out there bit by bit.

I worked hard to get this far.  Every night I’m staring at the screen doing some work, and not caring a whit about who notices.  Is it wrong that people notice and care?  Is it so terrible that I’ve created these expectations for myself?  That I’ve earned this reputation?

Is it so terrible that people do believe in me?

Yet I feel like a hollow, shallow, pretentious shit.  Who the hell wants to hear me talk about me?  Yet if I don’t voice my own virtues with conviction, who will take me seriously?

It’d be so easy to get an ego. I think it can’t be helped. An ego is a bit of a buffer in one sense. It’s a shield so that successful people can keep going and protect themselves from shrinking against the structures they’ve built for themselves.  As long as it doesn’t blind them completely, a little ego is healthy.

It’s okay if I’m proud of what I’ve done.  I should be.

It’d be so easy to just enjoy it at all cost.  I’ve done great things.  So simple to demand just a little entitlement.  I understand that angle too.  I wouldn’t have to work so hard with these expectations.  Be demanding enough, and those expectations would turn into disappointment. I’d be free.  I’d be a “could have been”.

All this over a little recognition.  All this over words like expert and successful.  And this is nothing.  There is so much more I want to do and accomplish. I’ve done nothing yet.  Not a thing.  With only a little pat on the back I feel like a fake, a fraud, an egomaniac and a pretentious prick in one go.  How can I doubt so much at this precipice?

Because I want this so badly.  This is what I’ve dreamed of.

Alright Imposter.  Alright Doubt.  I’m not going to let you betray me. I’m not going to beat myself. I don’t know where this all leads or goes. I’m riding this wave to wherever beach it may land me on.  I don’t know what the end result is going to be. I will not let you take it away with these needles of dread and doubt. I will do what I did to get me here.

I will be okay with expectations. I crave them. Expectations force me to rise to try and meet them.  I have done what I’ve done. I can do more. I will do more.

I will try to avoid being a pretentious asshole that has all the answers. I will stay humble and hungry no matter what I do. I will not change what got me here.

I still have so far to go. So go away dear Imposter. I understand you now. You exist only to betray me and try to destroy me.  But your power only comes when I listen to you. So I  will not listen to you anymore.  This is already hard enough. So here I leave you.

Once upon a time a writer/podcaster finally got recognition for his podcast.  Instead of shrinking at the praise, he acknowledged it and just for a moment, enjoyed it.

Then he got back to work.  For he knows that the pursuit of success never stops.  Success must be wooed, chased down and courted with the toils of labor and expectations.  He vows to himself whatever comes his way, good or bad, he would not get in his way. He will be ready for the blessing of praise and success. He will keep himself open for opportunities.

He will not be afraid to take them when they do come his way.