My When Words Collide Experience

Tags

panels, Podcasting, presentations, Seuss-off, success, when words collide

I wasn’t sure what to expect with this years When Words Collide.  A few familiar faces I tend to hang around with were not there, and I have to admit that I was nervous about a couple of the panels I was doing. 

Friday

I spent a decent chunk of my Friday prior to arriving at the event hunting this book down.  After a couple book stores I was rewarded for my diligence and added this to my collection.  I was going to tongue tie anyone who attended my panel.

But I wasn’t sure about the Seuss off. Vanessa Cardui and myself had a contest last year that sparked this idea but I had no expectations.  Various people began to find me and tell me they were attending.

Cool, I thought to myself. Looks like this may be more than I bargained for.

My first panel was with Joe Compton as a guest on his Go Indie Youtube special.  I thought I handled myself okay.  It was a thrill to share the panel with Konn Lavery and Marc Watson.  It was fun.

Speaking of fun, I got to do a panel with Fonda Lee, Del Suelo, Adam Dreece and Jim Jackson.  It was a fun panel and it was great meeting Fonda and Del.

The rest of the night was plotting to do San Diego with Joe Compton.

Saturday

My day opened up with my podcasting panel.  It was more packed than last year and was very fun to engage so many people.  I am curious to see if new podcasts come about as a result.  Thanks to all that came out.

My boardgame live podcast was not as successful in terms of turnout.  Being in the backroom and not on the pamphlet hurt.  That all said those who did thank you.  I learned a lot.

And then it was time for the Seuss off.  I had one other concern.  Who would play?  It turns out, everyone.

The tongue twisting schenanigans were fun by themselves.  Seeing Faye Arcande, Naomi Davis, Rissa Johnson and Elaine Lee read Fox and Socks in many different accents was a hoot.  I lost full control at the Valley Girl voice off between Rissa and Naomi, but they were all amazing. I am surprised I didn’t need a change of underwear after this panel, I was laughing so hard.  This panel is the greatest thing I have done at any convention.  Thanks to both Naomi and Randy Mccharles for encouraging me to try this.  Rest assured it will be back.

Saturday night was fun.  Got to meet Winston Pei, hang out with Stacey M. Miller and everyone else while forts were constructed and ghost stories told.  A good time was had by all.

Sunday 

I was at eighty percent when I walked in and met my first total stranger who loved my podcast.  It is very surreal when people approach you and say they like your work.  My imposter tarnished this a bit, but it was still a very cool feeling.

I got to moderate my first panel ever with the women of stampede. It was a small but engaging panel.  Thanks to Kate O’Conner, Shelley Kassian and Alyssa Linn Palmer for putting up with me for my first time.  It was fun.

Of course I conducted some fantastic podcast interviews.  Chris Carolan, Kai Kiriyama, Del Suelo, Konn Lavery, Joe Compton and Mark Leslie.  All in all, a busy conference.

This show for me is always a measurement of my growth.  My very first time here, I started a podcast.  That door has led me to meet amazing, magical people.  One person here told me I think everyone is awesome.  That isn’t true but I do think everyone that attends is.

At the end of the day we are all dreamers desiring to make something of the stories we live.  I cannot help but admire that, wherever anyone is on that walk.  It is easy to root for those that walk the walk of those dreams.  I know not all of us will end up where we thought we would, but that is not always a terrible thing.

I never thought I would be a successful podcaster.  I never considered this road to lead to being called brilliant, an expert.  I never expected this road at all and I am grateful.

Still, if I focused on my writing and created a similar consistency, would I ge as successful there as well? Thoughts to consider for the future.

It was a pleasure to see all of you.  I look forward to doing so again.  Until then…

My Imposter

Tags

expectations, handling positivity, imposter syndrome, Podcasting, recognition, success

So, I made a promise to Stacey M. Miller and Jim Jackson a personal story.  Wondering what to talk about, I realize that perhaps I should reflect on my feelings and some of the changes I’ve noticed in the past few months.  Not to mention that over the weekend, I realized an imposter had snuck inside me.  Once again, much like when I did my podcast with Adam Dreece the first time, my own words had come back to haunt me.

 

In this particular talk up here, the words that came back to me are the ones when we get to Adam talking about his earrings.  I found myself two years later eating those words with my own cares.   At Creative Ink I gave some advice for another author getting started that seems to need to be said to myself now.  (Irony you are evil.)   And I figure Stacey in particular will appreciate this.  So guys, this blog is dedicated to you.

Once upon a time there was a writer/podcaster who was used to being unnoticed. He had quietly gone about his business for what seems like forever. He was hoping for a touch of recognition.  What artist doesn’t want to have a little bit of audience after all?

Then one day, he gets an email that changes everything.  Suddenly, he wasn’t unnoticed anymore.  Words like successful and expert now were attached to said podcaster/author. Strangers approached him and told him they liked his show.  He never had experienced anything like this for anything he had done before.

Now what was he supposed to do with it?

This is my first ever convention that strangers have come up to me and talked about how much they love my podcast.  People I never have met have come to me and talked about my podcast in great detail.

I remember walking into the convention on Sunday, still kind of asleep when I heard my name said in a positive light.  I barely registered it when a friend pointed me out. A young man came to me with a smile on his face.  He showed me his podcast subscription list. I was on it.

I should have enjoyed it. Instead, I was on the outside looking at myself looking at this dude, the reality of the moment not hitting home like it should have. It was awkward and uncomfortable. I mean, I just do my thing you know?

I remember first coming to When Words Collide and not many people noticing me.  I was a face in the crowd who wanted more.  Who doesn’t want that right?

I started the podcast at When Words Collide three years ago. Since then I have had the pleasure of interviewing an incredible amount of amazing people.  And all the building up I have been doing with everyone else seems to be coming back to me.  And now, I understand what I do to others when I receive praise.

I was frozen. Doubt walked in and spoiled this moment.  It was all my fault.

I kind of feel like an egomaniac even typing this stuff.  I don’t have that much success you know?  One day once upon a time I was noticed for this.  I wasn’t doing anything special.  I just did my thing.  And this weekend words like expert, successful and brilliant were thrown at me by far more impressive people than I.

I blushed a lot. I never considered myself special.  At first it was nice, but hearing a lot of praise from a lot of places actually froze me in place.  What did I do to even come here to hear this?

I had gotten annoyed at listening to myself. In my podcast interviews  I talked about the Aurora so much that weekend with the podcasts I got sick of it.  Hearing anything nice about myself in anyway positive sounded so hollow and pretentious.

I was an Imposter.

I imagined success and recognition would make me like a rock star.  I would show up to thunderous applause and it would all play out like a beer commercial.  Babes, automobiles, and money.  Isn’t that the big dream of it all?

That’s the image of success.  The reality is much different.

Success is building yourself.  Success is setting expectations for yourself.  Success is having the imagination, passion and faith to keep going.  To believe in yourself that what you are doing matters, and that it’s getting out there bit by bit.

I worked hard to get this far.  Every night I’m staring at the screen doing some work, and not caring a whit about who notices.  Is it wrong that people notice and care?  Is it so terrible that I’ve created these expectations for myself?  That I’ve earned this reputation?

Is it so terrible that people do believe in me?

Yet I feel like a hollow, shallow, pretentious shit.  Who the hell wants to hear me talk about me?  Yet if I don’t voice my own virtues with conviction, who will take me seriously?

It’d be so easy to get an ego. I think it can’t be helped. An ego is a bit of a buffer in one sense. It’s a shield so that successful people can keep going and protect themselves from shrinking against the structures they’ve built for themselves.  As long as it doesn’t blind them completely, a little ego is healthy.

It’s okay if I’m proud of what I’ve done.  I should be.

It’d be so easy to just enjoy it at all cost.  I’ve done great things.  So simple to demand just a little entitlement.  I understand that angle too.  I wouldn’t have to work so hard with these expectations.  Be demanding enough, and those expectations would turn into disappointment. I’d be free.  I’d be a “could have been”.

All this over a little recognition.  All this over words like expert and successful.  And this is nothing.  There is so much more I want to do and accomplish. I’ve done nothing yet.  Not a thing.  With only a little pat on the back I feel like a fake, a fraud, an egomaniac and a pretentious prick in one go.  How can I doubt so much at this precipice?

Because I want this so badly.  This is what I’ve dreamed of.

Alright Imposter.  Alright Doubt.  I’m not going to let you betray me. I’m not going to beat myself. I don’t know where this all leads or goes. I’m riding this wave to wherever beach it may land me on.  I don’t know what the end result is going to be. I will not let you take it away with these needles of dread and doubt. I will do what I did to get me here.

I will be okay with expectations. I crave them. Expectations force me to rise to try and meet them.  I have done what I’ve done. I can do more. I will do more.

I will try to avoid being a pretentious asshole that has all the answers. I will stay humble and hungry no matter what I do. I will not change what got me here.

I still have so far to go. So go away dear Imposter. I understand you now. You exist only to betray me and try to destroy me.  But your power only comes when I listen to you. So I  will not listen to you anymore.  This is already hard enough. So here I leave you.

Once upon a time a writer/podcaster finally got recognition for his podcast.  Instead of shrinking at the praise, he acknowledged it and just for a moment, enjoyed it.

Then he got back to work.  For he knows that the pursuit of success never stops.  Success must be wooed, chased down and courted with the toils of labor and expectations.  He vows to himself whatever comes his way, good or bad, he would not get in his way. He will be ready for the blessing of praise and success. He will keep himself open for opportunities.

He will not be afraid to take them when they do come his way.

Eliminating the Need to Judge Others

Tags

judgment, Just Joshing, marijuana, personal growth, podcasts, understanding

Once upon a time I knew how the world worked.  I had ideas of right and wrong.  Marijuana was bad.  Alcohol was bad.  There was a right way of doing things and a wrong way of doing things.  This Josh had all of life’s answers.

We all I think have a little of this in us.  We are all raised the way we are and that teaches us things.  A lot of it is generally pretty good.   But like everything else in life, all things change, and life has its own way of telling you how things really are.

I had a lot of advantages moving around. I get to see the trends and tides of cities rising and falling as I move to towns.  I got to see Windsor Ontario at one of its peaks.  I got to see London Ontario’s Downtown decline.  So I can see the ebbs and flows of a city.  Living in Calgary right now, I can see some of the same mistakes that the city is making that Ontario made.

But I also miss stuff.  Shielded.  Overnight I got to see things like Marijauna creep into the culture, and a lot of other things just seemed to happen overnight.  Suddenly, I have no idea how the world works.

You try to keep to some of your principals, and even now, I don’t think that’s a terrible thing. Some things always work.  Integrity, follow through, honesty are all things that work.  It makes things difficult sometimes, but I don’t see this stuff ever not working.  Or at the very least, I know I will not last long when it is required for me to do otherwise.

But you have to be wise to see that some things are different.  I’ve mentioned marijauna.  I’ve never subscribed to some of the arguments I’ve heard.  Some of those arguments that are commonly said do not do the plant any favors.  That said, I cannot deny what I read on medical reports.  I cannot deny what I’ve seen in terms of it being a pain killer or a cancer fighter.  I’m not even against it completely as an anti depressant, although here I acknowledge some caution.   I personally believe the goal with depression should be to do it in as minimal amount of any kind of drugs as possible.  I’ve seen it help people, but I’ve also seen it as a crutch for people with depression as well.  So if it helps you, sure.  Just be careful.

This was not an overnight approach.  This was a process, and this was me checking and rechecking my facts, and my biases.  This has applied to a lot of views in my life.  How I view religion, sexuality, different approaches to lifestyle not my own.  I started in a very ordinary place.

These things really got to change for me when I got to spend two years living in a mormon community.  I’m not going to bash the religion; rather, I think this would apply to purely any one religion or one mentality in any community.  I saw how unhealthy that is.  It’s one thing to see small towns have their share of sex and alcohol.  That I have learned is the norm in this life when it comes to small towns.  It’s another when it goes to the extreme.  On a small scale, trying to make people conform to one ideal or one way of life, just doesn’t work.  People don’t fit any one particular mold.  Much like new wine, the old skin of these ideals just doesn’t apply or fit and it makes people revolt.  The dichotomy was quite different.  I know a lot of people that were ostracized for no other reason than being themselves.

“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

William Shakespeare, Hamlet

 

That’s my all time favorite Shakespeare quote.  For all his wondrous writing, that is maybe the most profound thing he ever said.  During my time in Arizona, an individual called me the weirdest person they ever met.  I’ve been called weird, and crazy and been ostracized because I just can’t help but be me.  I realized after being called that, that maybe I was doing the same thing to everyone else.

I changed one thing.  I no longer cared where you came from, or who you sleep with, or what you believe in.  I care about what you do.  Who you are when you face your own obstacles and when you try to do great things.  That seemed to be a better approach than the one I had before.

I have been awarded for this.  Look at the variety of people that have come on my podcast.  I’ve been blessed to meet so many amazing people.  Each of them trying to do great things in their own right.  It’s easy for me to be a fan of people like the ones I chat with.  I see them fight and struggle and go for it.  How can I not admire that?

They are true to themselves.  And that, more than anything, is something we should admire in people.  No one wants to be judged.  We all want to be heard.  And the real secret to eliminating judgment is not to compromise our standards, rather to accept that everyone’s standards are different.  We are all divided on how we scale the mountain of life.  There is an infinite amount of ways to do so.  Some of them I don’t understand, but I don’t have to understand.  That’s not my job.  My job is to encourage, and build and let people reach for whatever happiness they can find.

I still make mistakes.  Even now I’m not perfect.  I have biases, I make assumptions.  I’m as flawed as everyone else, maybe more so in some things.  Life is always changing, new questions are being asked, new possibilities come to life all the time.  Sometimes I’m still playing catch up to things.

But I try to be open.  I try to understand.  I may be ignorant, but not out of hatred, but of a lack of knowledge.  I am trying to fill the gaps I can.  Really, I think that is all we can do in the end.

“Judge not, less ye be judged”  Matthew 7:1

 

 

My Sultry Summer Experience

Tags

Interviews, naked readers, podcasts, romance writing, safe words, sultrysummeryyc, talking dirty

So last Sunday was my third ever Live Podcast.

M. Jane Colette contacted me about two months ago and asked me if I would be able to do something with this.  I have to admit there was a little part of me that felt like a fish out of water.  I’m not a romance guy.  Science Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adult, comics, are all my wheelhouse.  Erotica, Romance, naked girls, burlesque dancers – well, I’ve seen a burlesque dancer or two in my time – but you get the idea.

I feel I should celebrate the Emcee of the event a bit here.  I met M. Jane Colette at When Words Collide last year.  She tells most of the story here.   The long and short of it, I was very impressed by her after the podcast.  Not only is M. Jane Colette an amazing writer, but she’s an amazing person.  She is driven, passionate, bold, knows who she is as a writer and I admire her ambition.  (She’s sexy as hell too, but she knows that.) If anything, I need more people like her in my life.  She’s driven to excel, and therefore, it makes me want to as well.

And I didn’t know this community very well, besides Jilly Jax and Tammy Lyn Carbol.   That I feel even now was an error on my part.  One of the hardest things that every artist fights for with their work is the respect and validation of their peers.  I never looked down on the genre, but I feel I should have paid more attention to it sooner.

Sidenote: Jilly Jax played a big role in me getting the ball rolling in fixing my teeth.  I never have thanked her publicly for that.  I do so here.  Thanks Jill.  You really helped.

But I digress…

So this was an opportunity for me.  What better way to get to know a community I didn’t know than by doing something like this?  And I had a lot of fun, even if I was in the murder room.

I wish I had a good picture of it.  For the purposes of doing a live podcast, it was thought (wisely I may add) that a quiet space would serve the podcast well.  However the setting was a very quiet room filled with ice cream.  The door was creepy and silent.  Mel Vee was the first to call it the murder room, and it’s in my mind as just that.  In fact, I’m using it in a noir story…

So even before I met any guests this was already worth my visit.

There was one unexpected snag to the whole event.  Most malls have a wifi hotspot or a better connection that’s accessible.  It turns out, that this mall is the one mall in the city without a stable wifi connection.  So my plan to stream the event went to hell.  Next time I’ll have my own plan to stream the event with my own wireless should some kind of situation like this occur again.

Still, I got a lot of amazing interviews from this event.  Keely Kamikaze and I talked about the Naked Readers of Alberta and the whole idea of fighting against body shaming and why such a thing exists.  It was really fascinating, and Keely is someone I want to talk to again for a longer chat sometime.

Katie O’Conner and Shelley Kassian talked to me about the Women of Stampede series they are doing.  It’s cool to see an independent series get traction and talk about their love of farm life.  Not exactly what you expect from a steamy romance series.  They were great to talk to.

Danielle French is just awesome.  Talented musician.  We talked love, music, marijuana, and Jung.  She’s an amazing singer, intelligent, well spoken, articulate and someone I think I could have a drink with and talk about anything for hours.

Win Day was a hoot.  Ms. President and I talked about purpose, growth, her tenure on CARWA, and having fun.

Mel Vee has one of the most infectious laughs I have ever heard.  She’s also incredibly striking.  We talked her pursuit of greatness, and racism and where people go to protest that are of different colour.  Racism is not talked about as much in Canada.  The fact that Mel is willing to fight and express her feelings and experiences to the public is very brave.  She’s awesome.

Rayanne Haines and I talked about straddling the literary and genre lines.  An accomplished poet and novelist, it’s interesting to hear her take on this line and how she balances it, and uses one to help with the other.

Finally of course I talked to Sasha White and Elizabeth Kelly about talking dirty.  Sex is supposed to be fun above all things and those two made me blush quite a bit.  It was a blast.  Also, I now have a safe word.

This was a wonderful, diverse, engaging, intelligent, talented group of women that came together and did this event.  I feel that romance and erotica do not get the respect they deserve in literature.  Erotica especially should be mentioned in this category as while everyone I know has some imagination at least in this topic, it is very hard to write well.  Good writing is good writing.  It doesn’t matter the genre, the style, or the presentation, quality more than anything else should be respected.

So check out a book by any of the others here I mentioned.  Or check out others like Tina Griffith or Jenna Howard.  Or any of the other writers I haven’t mentioned here.  Check out the naked readers if you want to have a different take on nudity.  Check out Danielle French for her dark love songs and her amazing mad men behind her.

These interviews will air soon, and hopefully another event like this will come up.  I for one will go.  You should too.

I want to thank M. Jane Colette for the opportunity, the hard work.  It was fantastic to see and a great experience for me.

Now I’m closing up with a little bonus.  Sasha White filmed me for your VLOG, so here’s me making an ass out of myself pitching my books.

Thanks Sasha!

Matters of Faith

Tags

aurora awards, faith, Just Joshing, The Watcher, veritas, writing

The hardest thing to do in this life is believe.  This isn’t just about God (although that in itself is a blog post and a half) but faith is in everything you do and don’t do.

It takes guts to believe in anything.  The greatest irony in this world is that in order to go for something more than what you already have, whether that be a relationship, a career choice, or any other kind of goal you can imagine, it takes faith to begin it.

You have to believe that you can do it.   And that’s hard sometimes.  My goals are to write and make a living at doing my creative pursuits, whether it be writing, or podcasting or something else.

No matter what, there are times you are questioning what you are doing with your life.

I remember wanting to finish a comic book.  I had been working on it since I had been apprenticed in Taylor, AZ.  Circumstances had come to the point that my production had been ground to a halt.  I could not pay the artist I wanted to work for.  Rent was high for my wage, and it was a very, very slow crawl to save money.   And right when I was about to start being able to pay my artist to move forward, I was fired due to some very interesting circumstances.

I had to hitchhike to another city just to work, and make it on time as there is no buses out there, and this kept getting pushed back farther and farther away.  I wondered whether or not I’d ever leave Snowflake Arizona, let alone finish that comic book I was working on.

When I came back to Calgary I had to rebuild and recover for about a year.  Finally, I was able to finish the book.

Veritas is the book by the way.  Credit to my sister for taking this picture.

I always am impressed when someone finishes something with this kind of magnitude.  It took me so long to get so far on this book that every time I see anybody do something I appreciate the sacrifices it took to see that idea go to print.  It’s awesome.  Kudos to anyone who follows it through.

That was my goal and I did it.  There were times I thought I’d never do it.  I just kept on and on and on.  It was all I could do.  I did it, and I’m not ashamed to admit I cried.  I had wanted to do something, show something from that time and I could look at myself proudly.  I had seen this through.

At that point, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Of course, after some time passed, I wanted more.  I wanted to get back into books.  My plan was to do poetry again.  I had this grand idea of publishing an ebook version of a new poetry collection and sell some at cons.

That plan went out the door immediately as this longer poetry pieces morphed into this entire story told in poem form.  I got an amazing illustrator, and we made something I’m very proud of this day.

One of my first customers bought the book, liked it and asked what the heck I was going to do with it and my plans.  When I told her my master plan she told me she was opening up a publishing house and wanted to publish my books.

So this became a thing.

I learned a very important lesson that I still apply to this day.  Nothing ever works out how you imagine it to.  There are ups and downs that just are never quite planned for.  But that sometimes leads to a greater truth, and that’s that sometimes things work out even better than you ever planned.

Even the podcast was an accident.  I had the opportunity to interview Robert J. Sawyer about three years ago for his book Quantum Night.  It was a random word from him that pointed me in the direction of the podcast.  I never thought about doing one, and decided ultimately to try.

Why not?

Which leads me to right now.  I never set out to do this for awards.  I love meeting people who do amazing things all the time.  This podcast has given me the opportunity to meet some incredible individuals.  Just to listen and talk to them about what they are trying to accomplish is inspiring.

Last week I had an email in my inbox I never expected to get doing the podcast.  The Aurora awards are given out from the Canadian Science Fiction and Fantasy Association (CSFFA) for work in excellence in science fiction and fantasy.

I was shocked that I was a finalist.  I never sent in a nomination for myself.  Someone else did and people agreed with them.

That, truly, is amazing to me.

Thank you all very much for this very cool honour.  I never thought I’d get an Aurora for this podcast.  I’m fine with it.  It is an honour to be nominated with people like Clare C. Marshall, S.M. Beiko, Mike Bryant, and Steve Swanson.  That’s a cool list of people to go against and root for.

Not to mention everyone else going into their own rewards.  Good luck to each and every one of you.

Which leads to my last point on faith.  You can’t be guaranteed of anything, but as often happens, when you work on something and put the dedication and time, somewhere along the way, you get others to believe in you too.  And that, truly is the most amazing thing of all. I’ve already won.  I mean sure, I would love to get that award, but this is something I never asked for, and to be able to get this chance…wow.  More than I could have hoped.

I already have a goal for next year however, and that’s to get an aurora for something I am writing.  Right this minute, it feels pretty good.

 

 

My Four Rules

Tags

doing the things, four rules, fulfillment, Podcasting, The Watcher

Last blog, I talked about not beating yourself.  A lot of people tend to defeat themselves before they begin.  Also in general, a lot of talk is about finding fulfillment.  I have the belief that these two things are connected.  I find simplicity is the key to dealing with both ends to this.  How not to defeat yourself, and what to do when you get there.

A little bit of clarification before I really get into this.  No, this is not a one hundred percent guarantee of things working out for you exactly as you want.  Also note the key word in all this;  I said simple.  Simple is NOT easy.   I don’t want to hear about how I make it sound.  I make it sound simple.   Easy is another story altogether.

Ready?

I’m happy with myself.  I didn’t get there overnight, and I’m still working on things.  This is as always an ongoing process.  That said, I’m content.   And I do it with four rules

1. Show up

This seems so easy right?  So obvious.  It’s certainly not glamorous, but it may be the most important rule of all.  This is the first step, and sometimes, the last.

Right place and right time is real key.  Opportunities come your way when you least expect them.  At the last When Words Collide, I had the opportunity to sit next to Mark Leslie and wanted to interview him.  I had already gathered a bunch of people and the timing wasn’t good.  On Sunday afternoon I found myself with an hour to spare and found Mark walking by.  After we exchanged pleasantries, I asked if he’d be up to an interview.  He agreed, and here’s our interview.

I didn’t do anything special to get this opportunity.  I was there.  And really, the sum of the rule.  If you are where you are supposed to be, you will find opportunities you never anticipated.   This was one very cool interview, and it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t just shown up.

Rule #2:  Do Your Thing

This is the vaguest rule, because for each person here, your thing varies.  Some of us punch a clock, others box, others write, or draw or do music.  But whatever that thing is, do it.  Do it often, do it proud, but do it.

For me, that is either writing or podcasting.  Writing is my first love and still is.  I work on words all the time.  Even if its final form is unique from time to time, it all starts to me from the point of view of telling a story.  Podcasting to me, is another form of storytelling.  I get to talk to amazing people who do amazing things all the time and I hear pieces of their story.  One definitely ties to the other.

The best reason to do things is that actions cause reactions.  I submit a story, it is rejected or accepted and in the process opportunities arise.  My next next project is the result of a request from Colleen Anderson.  She wanted me to do an epic poem for her Lewis Caroll collection and the idea of an Alice story came to me.

I did it.  I submitted it.  It got rejected.  However, it led down the path to me kind of discovering that maybe I have more than a story, but a really cool game.  More on that as it develops, but yeah, I did a thing, things happened, which led to more things.

Momentum is a powerful lever.  It pushes you forward.  Objects in motion tend to keep moving.  So do all the things.

#3 Don’t Quit

This is the hardest rule I think.  Because there are no guarantees.  In Arizona there were times when I was really struggling.   I was hitchhiking to work, often arriving to it dead on arrival, I wasn’t eating enough, money was tight, and I wondered if I ever would leave that place.  Dying seemed tempting.

Dying at that point would have been easy.  Who doesn’t want the pain to stop?  Just to have a moment where you’re numb you know?  You don’t feel all the bumps and pains and bruises.  Where you can just forget.

I kept going.  Because I didn’t want to stay there in that place.  I had things to do, goals to accomplish.  People I wanted to see again.  I wanted a chance to do it right this time, and not end up like this again.  So I kept going and fighting and in time I got out and moved forward.

No matter how bad it seems in the moment, remember that it’s just a moment.  Moments pass.  Look at what you’re fighting for.  A wise man once told me that the secret is never to look too closely at the shit you have to walk through.  A person that focuses on the obstacles in front of them never defeats them.

The person who focuses on the goal, gets the goal.

All that time I wanted to finish that comic.  I wanted to achieve something while I was there.  It took a lot longer than I thought it would, but I did it.

#4 The Rest is Rain

Life never works out quite the way you plan it.  I know people in my life that hate the idea of plans, and I see their point sometimes.  Why set up expectations?  Plans never work out the way you foresee them.

They don’t.  So why do them then?

Direction, focus, expectations are important.  You need hope, you need faith, and you need a tangible summit of the mountain you set to climb.  You’re no longer at the whims of just fate.  You are exercising your will in the eye of the storm.

Sometimes it works out even better than you imagine.

I had this plan once I was back on my feet to start working towards another poetry collection.  I had published a collection called “I Am..” a long, long time ago.  I wanted to start again, a similar way.

This time i wanted to do a longer poem.  So this vision of a boy in a watchtower surrounded by dragons below him came to me.  So I started writing, adding my frustrations to having a day job in front of me coming.  Next thing I know I tell a nice tale with chapter one called “The Watcher” in front of me.  I really liked it, and yet, I felt like there was more to the story.

So I wrote what happened next.  And then, what happened next.  I just kept wondering what would happen.

Somewhere along the way, I realized that this was my poetry collection.  I was telling a story and wanted it finished, just to see how it would go.

I finished it, and hired an amazing illustrator named Florence Chan to do some illustrations.  Once it was done, I had just planned to do an ebook.  I did one on Smashwords and it was bought by someone I interviewed a long time ago.  Justine Dowsett came to me after reading it and asked me what I wanted to do with it.  When I revealed my cunning plan, she offered to publish it.

The rest is history.

Now don’t get me wrong, things don’t always go this well.  Sometimes you fail on an epic scale.  Mistakes are going to happen, and you are going to fall from time to time.

But doors always open.

So those are my four rules.  Now, how do you ask how do they make you more at peace?

The answer is that they teach you more about you.  Most of what I’ve discovered about myself has involved me taking action, taking chances, and being willing to see things through.  By developing expectations, and goals and being unafraid to fail, I have done and learned so much.  I never would have realized what I was capable of if I hadn’t tried.

Success definitely helps, but so has my failures.  I’ve learned what is possible, what is real, what I can do, what I’m willing to do.  If I hadn’t went for it, if I hadn’t tried, I’d have wondered and held back.

This is not something I learned overnight.   Many trials have come and gone for me to get this far.  And it’s still a struggle.  It always is.   A big secret to seeking happiness is to go for big things.  To care about the result, and going for things that seem bigger than you imagine.  We are not meant to be small.  Writing this, I realize that there is still a lot I need to work on.  I’m not satisfied, even if I am happy with what I’ve done.  I still got a lot to do.

Inner peace doesn’t come just meditation and reflection.  It requires action.  It requires self expectations and it requires taking chances on you.  Only then do you really learn who you are.  Fulfillment comes from doing, not just watching, and waiting and drifting.

I am Thou

Tags

good enough, Podcasting, realism, self help, writing

I read a great little blog about the paradox of motivation by Colleen Doran and feel you should check out her patreon page. Colleen is a gifted illustrator and I am eager to see her finish A Distant Soil someday. So a quick thank you to her before we begin.

So a fair warning: this may initially come across like a self help article. It’s not. But it will start that way.

Ready?

I’ve been called an idealist my whole life. Many friends have called my aspirations unrealistic, even if they are rooting for me. Still, some of them have expressed the idea of me becoming what I want to become as an artist as unrealistic.

I have issues with the word realistic. This goes back to my school days. Hell, it goes even with teachers and writers. Teachers told me that I should have realistic goals. Even writers tell me that I shouldn’t set my hopes and dreams on being the writer I wanted to be. Not everyone can be Robert Jordan or Issac Asimov or Ray Bradbury.

I ignored that.  I was and am still convinced I was headed to bigger and better things.  I’ve had the world open up to me in strange ways.  I was an apprentice to a writer I looked up to, I’ve met and been blessed to chat with some of the most wonderful, engaging, endearing people I’ve been privileged to chat with.  They have made me better just being in their proximity.

I haven’t hit the heights I wanted to (more on that down below) but I’ve had a lot of amazing things happen chasing my dreams.  I’ve seen and gone down roads others don’t always want to.

When I came back to Calgary, that realism word had its ugly head come back.  I had a number of friends tell me the same line over and over again. “You can have anything you want and be anything you want. What a load of crap.”

The number of people who have told me this above quote is staggering. They forgot one key part of the quote though. The unspoken part. Ready?

“…if you’re good enough.”

It’s never said, but it’s always there. You can make a million dollars IF you have a degree. You can get that dream job IF you don’t have a criminal record. You can own that Mercedes Benz IF…

If.

What is good enough?  Is it the number of degrees you have?  Is it the pay check you take home at the end of the week?  Is it some other tangible that can be quantified in some way, shape or form?

I have thought long and hard about this, and concluded that there is nothing I can do to measure this thing called goodness.   Good is relative.  Good is whatever you wish it to be.  You could be good, IF you believe yourself to be.

This is one of my favorite quotes.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

But there is a flip side.  Success isn’t guaranteed.  Period.  Even if you believe in yourself, even if you do the right things, make all the right decisions, there is not one sure way to insure that you will get what you worked for.  Nothing is certain in this life.  No matter what kind of self help or belief you have, there is always a chance that things will not work out and that you will never see the results you are hoping for.

Yet, without that belief in yourself, you have no shot of achieving anything.  That’s the paradox.   You only have a certainty in failing.  It’s the easiest thing in the world to do.  All you have to do is believe you will not achieve it.

You won’t.   I promise.

But on the flip side, you may not get success anyway.  Or at the very least, the success you are craving.  I know that writing wise, hell, people may not ever buy my books.  Artists never have it easy.  As talented and magical and wondrous the worlds inside each and every one of us are, it is not always appreciated.  We live in a world that would rather exploit such things than reward them.   It’s easy to question your own worth in a world that doesn’t always seem to recognize it.

You can’t control the result.  That’s just the way it is.  It will rain if God wills it.   There is no control.  If you’re suffering through sickness, poverty, famine, it’s not your fault.  There may be things you are doing to exacerbate it, but ending up in bad situations isn’t anything more than a moment in time.   Blaming yourself for it isn’t the answer.

We don’t always get what we want, but we always get what we need.    Last month I hosted my second ever live podcast.  In it, my sister interviewed me.  After showing off her prowess with her art skills by beating me in a drawing contest blindfolded, I then ended up sounding like a goldfish.  Yet not a ton of people were there.  In fact it was the same number of people that were there for the cyclone podcast.  I did all I knew how to do to get people to come there.  I made mistakes, as people did not quite know what a live podcast was and what it had to do with a book.   That all said, I put a lot of time, effort and energy, not to mention cake into it.

I didn’t get the crowd, but I do have another chance.  I have two more live podcasts in the year to come.  One in June, and another in August.  And who knows for the future?  I’m not opposed to doing more.  Making them profitable is the next challenge there. That said, they are a hoot to do.

I didn’t get what I wanted, but doors opened anyway.  That’s not a bad thing.

Looking at the self help stuff out there, from Napolean Hill to Tony Robbins, I can see why a lot of people see it as garbage.  Just because they made themselves, doesn’t mean you are going to.  But if they say that, than what’s the appeal of self help.  I mean, if you’re going to fail anyway, why bother, right?

I think what self help actually is is life coaching.  Self help doesn’t guarantee success.  But there is a process to learning how to not beat yourself.  Teams that play seasons in their sports have the chance to teach themselves behaviors.  If they practice good habits, and maintain chemistry and unity, even though they lose games, they win far more often.  Self help is like that with people.   There may be no guarantees on the final result, but there are ways to insure you don’t cheat yourself from the opportunities in front of you.

That’s the real secret I think.  Everyone loses at some point.  The Yankees lose, our gigs don’t go the way we plan them to go.  You name it.  Things happen.  You can be consistent the whole way through and do the things you know how to do.  You can keep an open mind to the possibilities of what can be done.  Finally, take advantage of the opportunities that come your way.   Because they show up when you least expect them too.  Why not you right?

That’s the hard work.  Hope is hard.  Hope comes with pain.  Disappointments are harder to deal with.  You care more, want more, and go out to do more.

In order to even have a chance with success, you have to be willing to take chances, make mistakes and fail.  That is not an easy path.

The question you must ask yourself is do you believe you are good enough?  Are you willing to bet on yourself, even though it may not work out anyway?

Are you good enough?

 

How I made Adults Read Fox In Socks – My WWC Report

Tags

fox in socks, Interviews, panels, presentations, vanessa cardui, when words collide

This is a powerful book.  This book has the power to make adults kids again.  It makes informative sessions fun, AND it makes for ideas for the future.

Let’s talk about When Words Collide.  This was my first show where I would be active in doing presentations and panels.  I was nervous about that, in a good way.  Truthfully there isn’t much that I worry about that can happen on the stage.  That all said, I love it when I feel those butterflies.  It shows I care and want to do the best I can.

My podcast panel was ridiculously fun.  I got the crowd to read from Fox in Socks.  There was even a winner of the contest!  I got to talk about podcasting and got a really good crowd – better than I expected – and we managed to engage in a very fun presentation.  It was the highlight of my weekend.

My night with Fox in Socks didn’t end there.  My association with this book germinated from a impromptu fox in socks off with Vanessa Cardui while she mastered Just Joshing Episode 100.  Thinking that I was using it and that I was going to be part of the open mic anyway, I thought I’d challenge her to a fox in socks off, and she answered, throwing down the pirate hat in response.

Vanessa won the contest, but that’s beside the point.  I had a blast and it was a lot of fun to do.  Next year I hope to do something similar to that again.

Friday didn’t just include my presentation.  It also included my panel with goodreads.  Mark Leslie, M. Jane Collette, Beverly Ackerley and someone whose name escapes me had a great back and forth and the crowd was engaged.  It made me re-evaluate my use of the system and you’ll probably be seeing my own profile on Goodreads raise.  I learned a lot and managed to contribute a lot.

Saturday I had my other panel with video games, in which I thought that I had a good angle and focus, and found myself probably the most ill-prepared.  It was a good discussion and great games like Double Dragon, Okami, Dragon Age and more were discussed and construction of games in general was brought up.  I was bringing up Thea van Diepen’s forthcoming twine game as well.  At some point next year, I’ll have to play with some gaming software.

I started doing podcast interviews Saturday as well. I managed to interview Patricia Flewelling, Suzi Vadori, Vanessa Cardui, and JM Landels on Saturday for the podcast.  They were all amazing conversations.

I attended the banquet and functioned the role of phone camera man, taking pictures for various friends for the 1920s themed gala.  It was a fun dinner.  I bailed at the autograph session as I take that opportunity to usually just catch my breath.  That night I attended a variety of parties and had a good time until it was time to head back.

Sunday I started and finished with some great conversations with Gerald Brandt, Hayden Trenholm, Mark Leslie, Nola Sarina and Jo-Anne Morcum.  Hayden was the only one I feel that got kind of short changed.  We had a great conversation but it was cut short due to factors beyond our control.

I did my last presentation on Sunday too, in which I talked about loglines.  It wasn’t as good as my podcast panel.  I needed a little more interactivity for the whole thing, and for next year if I do it again, I will have a battleplan to get the audience involved.  I heard some amazing loglines at the end of the session however.  So I like to think I did some good.

After that I spent a couple of hours at the dead dog party, in which authors gather and say hi before we go off.  At that point, we’re all kind of on fumes and kind of just going through some motions.  That said, I met quite a few amazing people and I’m still working on a few projects post con.

The biggest thing I learned?  People are starting to become aware of me, even if I’m not being met by them.  It was a strange and wonderful experience to be greeted by strangers who knew who I was.  I may not be rich and shameless, but fame is happening bit by bit.

I also learned a little bit more about my weaknesses as a presenter and will work to shore them up.  That said, I got grown men and women to read Fox in Socks.  If that’s not a victory in this life I don’t know what is.

I definitely want to thank each person I saw, met, or reconnected with again this year at When Words Collide.  I hope to see you all again next year.

Just Joshing 100

Tags

axel howerton, coffin hop press, Just Joshing, music, patience, podcasts, robert bose, vanessa cardui, writing

It’s been one hundred episodes.

One hundred.

Wow.

So before I talk about the episode, I want to begin with a thank you.  Thank you to each and every person who took the time to listen to any of the episodes I’ve produced in the past.  This episode is special for a number of reasons.  The first is that this is the hundredth episode (obviously) but the second reason is the story behind this.

This was my first live show.  The episode was recorded At Owl’s Nest Books in Calgary, Alberta Canada on Wednesday, May 24th, 2017.  Now if you are aware of the weather that day, you know I was a little worried about the day.  After I got my awesome cake, the trees bent, the rain fell, and we had hurricane winds out there.

There was a question of whether or not anyone would show up.  I had rum, I had cake, Axel had brought whiskey, and we waited.  Fortunately, people showed and the show went on.

I opened up the show with a little bit of a monologue.  Heck, you only get to one hundred once right?

This being a live show called for some live guests.

 

Robert Bose has yet to be on my live podcast offically, (that will soon be amended).  That said, he’s someone that I’ve wanted to have on the show for while. Robert is a heck of a short story writer who has a ton of credits in quite a variety of publications.

Through Coffin Hop Press Robert is releasing his first short story collection, Fishing with the Devil.  I personally dig the fact that Robert wrote a short story based on the fact that his grandfather is the devil.  That’s a hell of a tagline and his reading really captured a sense of what to expect this July.

I look forward to seeing Robert again on the podcast, and really dug the glimpse I got into his collection.  This July, check this collection out.  I know I will.

 

 

 

My next guest has been on the show before and has his first Noirvella coming out this July.

Axel Howerton is probably one of the most talented writer/publisher/performers I’ve had the privilege to have on the show.  We continued some of our conversation from last time, and got into the history of Coffin Hop Press.  We both talk nicely about Sarah Johnson.

Then in my view, Axel just took it to the next level with his reading from his book.  He just killed it.  I really want this story.  Up until this podcast, I didn’t quite have a good idea of what noir was until Axel defined it.  Con Morte is a dark and vivid place that hits you hard the moment you hear him start reading from it.

This is damn good and also coming out this July. Axel and Robert are both going to be getting my hard earned dollars with their works and I’m encouraging you to do take a look at both of Robert’s and Axel’s stuff.

This July looks promising indeed.

 

Like I said at the event, I tried to design the live event like a talk show.  Now with a talk show you close the event one or two ways.  You either find someone funny, or you bring about someone with great musical talent.

I’ve had Vanessa Cardui before on the show as well.  I wanted her back for a number of reasons.  She’s one of my most popular guests ever, and she’s also fantastic live.  She’s an amazing musician well versed in a variety of instruments and Styles.

We talk about her album Patience which is going to be released September 7th, 2017.  We talk about the process this album took and one of the big reasons why this album took so long.

Also, she performed as musicians are known to do from time to time.  Vanessa performed a pirate song called Chapter 122, which is a direct reference to Moby Dick.  It’s an excellent song about rum which the whole group managed to sing to.

We talked about her chosen venue, and the odd coincidence/serendipity it ties to this image and much, much more.  Vanessa is one of my favorite guests and she delivered a fun interview and a great performance to close out the show.

Well, almost.  I closed out the show with a bit of my poetry book The Wandering God.  All in all it was a fun show I was happy to do it.

I promise this, at some point I will do another show like this again.  But this show was special for a lot of reasons.  It was my first live show, and it was one hundred.  But all the circumstances, the people – it was one heck of an experience.  I went outside my comfort zone, and was rewarded with something truly special.

Before I close with the link to the podcast, I want to make one small thank you to Vanessa.  She mastered the live episode for me.

And what would a live episode be like without a cool preview?

This is the cover from Tom Bagley for Coffin Hop’s Christmas anthology.

Coffin Hop Press.  : http://www.coffinhop.com

Vanessa Cardui: http://Vanessacardui.bandcamp.com

Listen here:  Just Joshing Episode 100

People that Inspire You – 200th Blog

Tags

blog 200, empathy, human condition, inspiration, Just Joshing, Podcasting, struggle, understanding

Before I begin, let’s do a little bit of fun.

My podcast has been on a roll of late, and the last few episodes should give you an idea as to why.

My last three episodes have been with Colleen Anderson, JM Dematteis and Saima Khalid.  Click a name to listen to their episode.  My show is approaching the 100th episode of being on the air and it’s been a thrill.  The show is Just Joshing and I hope you check it out.

Why do we struggle?

It’s an age old question and I don’t think there is an easy answer.  Struggle, pain, those things have been debated for ever and ever.   I’m not going to discuss where I believe struggle comes from or why it exists.   Instead, I’m going to point out people in my life, who face their own obstacles every day.

My dad is my hero.  It’s no secret to those that know me.  He came from an incredibly tough neighbourhood and overcame being a statistic and right now is helping people in Windsor Ontario with holistic medicine.   He is a genius at using food as medicine and does in a way anyone can learn to apply themselves.

My sister makes me smile.  She didn’t have the same kind of support I had with family, and yet is one of the kindest most decent people I know.  She’s gifted, smart, and maybe one of the sweetest people I know.  I’m her brother, and I know there’s a bias there, but I’m super proud to have her as a sister.

I have a friend who beat the odds living today.  He’s a chef and one of the sweetest dudes I know.  He’s a chef and he’s been there for me in ways I’ve enjoyed.  Sometimes i think he’s the devil in my life – others, he’s the wise man.  I am proud to know him.

I know this one person who sometimes feel she’s worthless.  Thoughts of how to proceed with her life tend to make her pause.  I can only offer kind words here and there.  I don’t pretend to fully comprehend the pressures she faces in the world we live in.  That said, she is smart, she has a hunger to learn.  She taught herself english.  She communicates incredibly well and understands well beyond some people I know here.  I think she’s amazing for having that kind of drive.

Another friend I know is about to become a mom.  She’s scared sometimes, because I know she worries about the kind of mom she’s going to be.  She’s dealt with a lot in her life, and may be the second toughest woman I know.   She’s going to be a great mom.

You can find inspiration with the people in your lives.  Those people who chase dreams and try to make them real.  Those who face unbearable obstacles and still persevere and strive to live.   Those who want more and show incredible ability to do so.  People truly tend to forget how amazing they really are.  I can use anyone in this example.

We all struggle.  We all have things to overcome and learn and deal with.   It can be depression, it can be abandonment, or loss, or knowledge and responsibilities.  It can be a question of purpose.  I may be describing you in there somewhere, or someone you know.   If you look hard enough, you can see those struggles and put yourself if not in people’s shoes completely, empathize.

So for you that face things head on, thank you for taking away my excuses.  Thank you for amazing me in what you do and how you do it.  Thanks for being inspiration in just being yourselves.

We all forget how great we are.  In how we stand, we can inspire others.  When we can see where people struggle, then the walls can come down and maybe, just maybe we can help heal each other.

For are all are in pain.

But we can all be healed.

Thanks for being here for 200 blogs.  Thanks for those who read and are inspired by what I write, and thank you for inspiring me to write.  This is only the beginning.