Surfing In Chaos

Well, everything is in flux and flow. Waves of uncertainty surround us. While I am certain this time will pass, and that masks and social distancing will in time go away with it, not much am I certain of.

I ended up back in Windsor. I have gone full circle and I am completely rebuilding my life from scratch. I wasn’t stunned by this as much as you’d expect. This time was for me, a time to change. I went to BC to change. I had my personal gear to ride this wave in mind. So for me at least, this time of personal tribulation was to some degree planned.

No one could have seen this coming. But as I have written before in other places, I have been to this place where I have nothing to lose.

I accepted my lack of control of my circumstances from the start.

It made it easier to cope. I’ve been here before. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve struggled. So this time is nothing new to me. You just get up and go and keep going. This is chaos.

When I was a kid I remember going to the Pinery with my family. We went swimming and I remember these giant waves (or giant like considering my seven year old mind) and wondering if I should take the leap into them. My sister stepped in the water at six and got knocked on her butt after one wave. She decided not to go back into the pool.

But I wanted to do it. But I was afraid to do it. I couldn’t control where it let me go. Eventually the biggest wave I ever saw came towards the sure. In my mind I was going to do it. I went out there, and with all my might tried to leap the wave.

I landed on my butt.

It was fun.

My fear was gone. The worst had happened. And I jumped and got knocked on my butt quite a few more times. I kind of liked it.

Trying to fight the tide is pointless. No matter how big or strong you are, you just are going to have to accept where the water goes. It erodes and devours the shore with one gentle caress at a time.

In chaos the pieces all fall apart. It will take you where it will. There is no rhyme or reason. It is simply chaos. It does what it does like the waves in the ocean. It’s going to play by its own rules.

I’ve nearly died, I’ve had my body do things it shouldn’t beyond my control. I have suffered and I have starved. I’ve been here before, and so has most of the world. North America is getting shell shocked. Our privilege as a continent shows. We have no experience with anything like this. We are not Japan, or Pakistan or Singapore. They have faced this time and adversity.

In many ways, this time is no different than any other time. Diseases have always killed. There is always violence, and there is poverty and suffering. In this time that has only been made more apparent. The bubble is gone.

COVID is the big bad boogeyman right now. It is the latest thing. It will not be the last. Whether a treatment or a vaccine is found, eventually it will be normalized. It will be part of life.

But it has always been this way. Life is not something you control. It is something you experience. Some of us are in better positions than others. In some ways, we have to change. Sometimes we have to play games we don’t want to. It’s life. We keep learning and keep rolling.

But first, you must grieve. Things are going to be lost. My job is gone, but I don’t want it back. I have nothing. So there is nowhere to go but up.

And then, grab your board and let the waves carry you where you’re going to go. Right now, change is afoot. It’s uncomfortable and has no real discernible final destination. The tide is coming in. Instead of fighting it, we need to ride it. Grab that surfboard and just go.

Change is uncomfortable, but necessary. It’s the nature of life itself. We never are in control of the world. All we can control is ourselves. Be a dead man, let the waves take you where it will go.

Published by jpantalleresco

I write and I wander. I am currently in Canada, tomorrow who is to say? I just released Veritas, my first comic, done with Craig Cermak and Jim Reddington. I currently write columns for and I have published essays, worked on magazines and movies and am working on my first novel, graphic novels and am planning on committing suicide on my first feature film. I chase my dreams wherever I may go. When I'm not writing I work on a day job and read, play video games and magic and chase girls. Sometimes I even catch them.

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