Memento Mori

I first met death for myself in Arizona.

I was starving on a mountain, fired from my job, and having no prospects for another one up on the hill anytime soon.  I didn’t have the heart to be honest.  My dream job turned out to be less than what it appeared to be, and everything else that happened felt like one misstep after another.

I saw death then.  It was a black shadow in the distance.  It was far away.   I could see it taking it’s time, always just beyond the horizon.  The steps death took were unmistakable and inevitable.  It was coming for me…

Until I left.  I had to let go back then.  If I had let go sooner I probably would have never seen death even that close.   But it took that and a few other things to make me realize that things had to change.  It was the first time I accepted that I wasn’t going to live forever.  Death one day would come for me.

Flash forward to now.

No, I’m not dying…at least as far as I’m aware.  It has been a struggle.  In December, I came down with something…I’m not entirely sure what to call it.  That all said, what is important here is that I’ve struggled, and through it I’ve come to another realization.

I’m mortal.

As middle age finally reeks it’s head into the not too distant future, I realized that this last December when my ability to walk was severely hampered.  I’ve spent six weeks limping at various forms of shape.  It has been agony at times to walk up and down stairs.  Even though it’s been several weeks since I’ve been at that point, there was a part of me last weekend that got depressed a bit at my current struggles.

It’s always going to be like this.  As I get older, I have to work harder at taking care of myself.  Other crisis’ are going to come, and sooner or later, I will face something that I can’t deal with.   Maybe I’m not Superman after all.

And I’m not.

Yesterday I realized that this is okay.  It’s alright that I’m not superhuman.  I’m going to feel pain, and bumps and bruises and agonies.  I’m going to wish somedays that I didn’t.  I’m not in love with pain, and I don’t think I will ever be.  That said, there is one positive with all this revelation and realization.

I’m still here.   I still have time to do the things I feel called to do.  I can still enjoy life, and have fun doing it.  I am getting better.  Walking was the easiest it’s been in a long time, and it’s going to get easier.  As my mobility has come back, so has my energy and it has been great.

I write this to remind myself that it is okay to not be invincible and know my own limitations.  Tomorrow I can try and surpass them and get better.  It’s the goal I have everyday and it’s the goal I intend to enforce, starting now.

Enjoy the moment, for you are mortal, and it is okay that it is this way.

Published by jpantalleresco

I write and I wander. I am currently in Canada, tomorrow who is to say? I just released Veritas, my first comic, done with Craig Cermak and Jim Reddington. I currently write columns for and I have published essays, worked on magazines and movies and am working on my first novel, graphic novels and am planning on committing suicide on my first feature film. I chase my dreams wherever I may go. When I'm not writing I work on a day job and read, play video games and magic and chase girls. Sometimes I even catch them.

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