That colon shouldn’t be there, but it is. A lot has happened since I typed into this thing. I was arrested, incarcerated, my staff quit, got rehired, fired and in short, I have no idea when or where the next issue is going to come out.
But no, this isn’t the last time I’m going to write about. The magazine will come out…maybe in the year 2014, but it will come out. Right now, I’m just trying to figure out how to save myself from my own impending apocalypse.
I’m getting sued by the knowitall corporation. Knowitall is the company whose bread I failed to purchase back when I was confronting that insane aspiring autobiographer. I should have gone back to the store the next day, but you know how those things go- the magazine needed to be done and I had a million and a half things to do and I forgot all about that sweet delicious and tasty bread.
Knowitall didn’t. A lawyer strolled to my front office and demanded restitution for the mental trauma I suffered not only the supermarket but knowitall itself to the even price of ten thousand dollars. Thinking this some kind of bizarre joke I told that lawyer to go to hell.
Now I have a lawsuit on top of a corporation attacking me with lawyers. Apparently foul language constitutes being sued. Probably shouldn’t even be writing in this thing. I could be saying something that could be misconstrued.
No no no. I will not go down that way of thinking. I need to finish this rant to get this back on track.
With all my legal troubles I thought to myself that it couldn’t possibly be any worse. Never ever say those words. Bad news doesn’t just rain, it shits and turds its way out in droves, and wags its tale to insure that the crap goes in every direction possible. My staff – my ungrateful, unrepentent little staff decided for some reason that since my sponsor agreed to help the magazine that they in turn had the right to more money. Grant you, I was basically paying these people with nothing more then a hill of beans, but it was a nice mountain pile of beans. Enough beans to keep you caffeinated for at least a week, if not two. They wanted things like breaks and lunchtimes and benefits.
I balked. I knew when they were threatening to show off their miniscule muscles. I was the BOSS and as the BOSS it is my job to make my employees respect my authority. If it can work for that paper kid in that stupid cartoon, it too can work for me. So I told my staff (not so) politely that they could all pound rocks.
They responded by going on strike.
Honestly, I was okay with the vacation for a little while. I was surprised and stunned at that unexpected move (Who knew employees still had backbones?) There were no looming deadlines, no headaches with money. For a while that peace and quiet was the blessing I realized I had long forgotten. I probably would still be there if not for my mother in law.
Mother in laws seem to be blessed with the ability to drive the husband insane. I attribute this to a number of factors. First off, it’s by and large some strange crazy lady that is telling you what to do because you are sleeping with their daughter. They weren’t going to let you forget that you were sleeping with their daughter. The second (and sobering) thought is that this insane woman probably was the shape and attitude of your wife. She may not be there yet, but eventually she would become this inane woman filled with flightiness and insanity and that forsaken ability to disturb the peace at a moment’s notice.
Come to think of it, I think her husband was a brilliant man. I was caught between the sheer awe of his deeds and hateful of the bastard for forcing this woman into my life. It was the last straw. I was mad as hell and I wasn’t going to take it anymore.
I called up my staff and after careful begging, pleading, promises of raises and no additions or new titles, they came back willing to work on the magazine as if nothing has happened. I’m being extra careful of this next issue. I know they will be up to something for this forthcoming addition. You can’t trust people – they let you down every time.
phew. I feel better writing this down. The magazine is progressing. I even found a new sponsor. While it isn’t one of those nice sponsors, it wasn’t religious or biker gangs. I could find myself living with it. Really.
So I finish this little entry with a promise that barring prison there will not be quite so long an introduction. If I do end up in prison I’ll see about creating some exclusives for the magazine. In the meantime knowitall – I’m sorry. Please stop suing me.
Do I expect that to work? No. I had to try though.